denial.

i reported to mWife today that i am in a bit of denial.

it's 11/3/11.

although i still don't believe that i will go "on time"

or early

i still can't wrap my head around how we are here

and where time slipped to.

the more i actually say i am in denial out loud

the more i become less in denial.

it's like admitting to having a drug problem.

the more i admit i have a drug problem, 

i'm one step closer to recovery.

...ok, so it's not the greatest example, but you get the idea.

we had our little check up today and all continues to be well.

it was great to talk through the denial

and little fears that surface:

"what if i just don't go into labor?"

"what if i don't ever fully dilate?"

"what if a hand comes out first?"

"what if, what if, what if?"

it's odd i hadn't had any what if's for the longest time, 

but then november hits and the wheels turn.

rationally i know that most of these scenarios are rare,

but i'd be lying if i said i never thought about anything irrational.

and the good news is that my mWife, doula, sister and mister john 

are well aware of my wants/needs and will be advocating 

in our corner.

i mean, ok, i am going to push you out of my vagina.

i don't think i'd believe someone that didn't have any irrational thoughts 

before doing so.

...prepared or not!

and damn it,

 i have prepared more for this birth than i did before choosing a college.

say what you want, 

but i think this is equally if not more important.

the hardest part about that is that the letting go time is a coming.

you can only prepare for an exam for so long.

then comes the test.

only this test i don't know when it's coming.

how long it will be.

how hard it will be.

in what way(s) i will pass.

if i will want to scream and yell in frustration.

if i will be able to calmly get through the tough questions.

so little pickle, 

i am telling you today 

i am going to try to let go a little.

this will be good practice for when you actually arrive.

during today's appointment we also discussed getting checked.

it would be for curiosity's sake, but it typically doesn't mean anything.

this i know, but i wanted to hear it out loud.

there are 6 main signs of labor onset - dilation and effacement are only 2.

did you hear me??!! that is TWO of SIX.

i'll save this for another post some day... 

so when they ask about being checked again at the doc - will i do it?

unsure.

but this i know: if dr B says i'm dilated or effaced

and i am still constipated 

and your head is still ballotable 

then i'm likely not start labor anytime soon

and won't be psyching myself out for NO reason.

your head, little person, is right above my pelvis.

good spot.

good choice.

good place to hang out.

but you are still high enough to have mWife move your little head.

you moved your squishy body to the left, laying LOA.

sounds a-ok with me as well.

we are measuring 38 cm and blood pressure was 122/84.

now, your heartbeat my dear, was a lot lower this week.

very clear, but unlike you.

in the 120's, but mWife woke you up and got it in the 140's.

120 is still safe, but you've been steady 140-150's 

so yea, it was odd. nothing to be concerned about though.

from time to time i've felt some braxton hix numbers.

nothing consistent.

nothing frequent.

just time to time.

is it wrong that i like the way it feels?

too bad labor contractions don't feel like that - i may learn to love labor.

ooops.

i'm still convinced that i will see you in Effing December.

perhaps i am one of those moma's that just takes longer to cook their buns.

it's fine, considering i have mentally prepared to be late since the get go,

but it's still i can't help feel a little perturbed.

there's still 28 more days to make your NOV debut,

but i won't be getting my hopes up.

on the upside of that:

i will be accruing more PTO

more money

i will go back to work later

i will have more time to organize 

that is not to say i won't feel the discomfort and anticipation.

i will surely be feeling that, but i shall savor my time with you cooking.

whether it be for 8 more days or 38 more days.

you have proven you are the boss along this ride.

so i guess i will sit back and play passenger.

if you'd like to know my preference or want to take that into account

feel free to kick me in the ribs or nudge me in the underwear line.

i'm happy to have another short pep talk. 

love,

moma llama