what momma writes

hey, long time no blog right? i've been a little busy. there's a coworker on maternity leave, it's my "busy season" at work, i have a toddler, and i'm sewing a lot... and well, sometimes the blog just gets the back burner. and on that note, sometimes when people run circles around me i get green... green with envy. it's one of my worst traits. i really hate it, but i've realized it's a part of who i am and it's up to me to work at it. and, well hopefully some day conquer it. maybe? i've taken some grace in the fact that i'm human and it's somewhat of human nature, but i hate it. i don't want to be an jealous person. i have a good life and i'm blessed to the moon and back (whatever the heck that means anyway), but there are times i still want things i don't have and get envious of the people that have them, supposedly have them or supposedly have things come easy for them. the first step is recognizing and bei...

i posted this picture on my fb page and it caused some discussion. i like discussion. sometimes i'm not the best fb "discusser" but over all i like when things strike a cord in people drawing to a conversation. i didn't reply on fb bc i didn't find the time to gather my thoughts, but here goes... keep in mind these are my thoughts and conclusions. i'm no expert, but i'm only my own expert as i do my own research. i used to think homeschooling was weird. as a catholic school girl 1st-12th grade and growing up the only homeschoolers we knew of were through our church. the mom had long hair past her butt and swayed to the hymns with her hands held high and she had 6 or so kids (also not the norm). while this was deemed weird in my book at the time, i look at it now and think "sway away" to each their own. and kudos to them for going against the grain. today my views are changed, just like a large portion of what i believed growing up. that...

this post is a little silly, but it got me thinking. over the weekend, bird and I attended a 4 year old birthday party. like most birthday parties or gatherings we attend, bird beats to her own rhythm and bops around curiously exploring her new environment. getting her hands (and feet and at times mouth) all over whatever she can... at some point she will find her level of comfort and level of exploration satisfaction and find interest in the big dogs (aka older children). after things calmed down, I let stella in the birthday party bounce house with 3 other children (one being the birthday girl) who were old enough to know to be gentle with her in there. (I have to admit, bounce houses make me nervous with such a little thing, but go figure she loved it running back and forth saying "bouncy bouncy bouncy" like tigger). these same 3 girls ended up inside shortly after and I happened to be changing bird's diaper. bird proceeded to repeat all their names and the bir...

dear little piece of skin, i know why you are there and why you hang out. literally hang out. i try to love you and embrace you, but you are just so there. all the friggin time. and everyone tells me not to like you. and to get rid of you. you are weak in physical form, but there is great strength from where you came from. you are the aftermath of the greatest gift. you are the constant reminder of the gift of motherhood and the gift of imperfection that is myself. some days you irritate me more than others. most of them are the days i see post partum moms strutting their best, oh so soon after birth. it's when i compare i start to hate you. and in turn, hate on me. i hide you well and i will likely continue to hide you. i just want to keep hating you less and less until one day i'll decide to just accept... ...and accept that the moms strutting their stuff probably are just hiding you too.

I started writing this the eve before I had the "coffee incident" that I put on fb last week- this coffee incident happens all the time, no big deal, right? a little something like this: I was in line at our local sbux (I know, it's a chain coffee institution...) and was the 6th of 9 people in line. All but one person was on the phone in some capacity - texting, fb, ig, tweeting, vine-ing? god only knows and the list goes on. No one was making eye contact. No one was even remotely paying attention to their surroundings. eyes on phone and floor to see if the person in front was moving along. I'm guilty too: I walked in with my wallet and phone in hand. if I hadn't taken the time to notice the 7 other people on their phones I may have joined the "party" and, I don't know, done something really important, like check facebook so I know what my high school buddy is feeding their child for breakfast or a looked through 32 of my coworkers weekend pho...

seriously. that good old quirky, awkward, limber, blue guy from sesame street is pretty wise. i don't know about you, but i'm taking some notes... or at least being more aware about what i may have typically ignored. ya see, bird loves this book and after reading it 156,234,874 times i think it made an impact. that coupled with the fact that mister and i have been on somewhat of a documentary kick if you will. in this great lil book, grover explains 10 great ways to love our earthy environment and in turn love humanity.  i know, i know it sounds hyper crunchie, but really people, this place isn't going to be around forever. it may be okay now. at this very moment. but i challenge you (just like grover challenged bird and me) to explore ways to make the most of what we have and make it last. for you know, your grandchildren. that is, if you care enough. what i find funny is that a lot of what we watch in our documentaries can be tied back to these simple principl...

tonight i sang at a lovely wedding. a friend of mine got married and it's always nice to be around such positive, loving energy whether i know the couple or not. per usual i'm typically starving after singing as i don't like to eat right before singing (old nervous habit i suppose, even though i rarely have nerves for weddings anymore...). post wedding, i whipped into the lot of my old sandwich joint and already knew my order. upon entering the building, i was approached by a man in his 60's asking for money for his laundry detergent and some other items. "excuse me, mam. you don't have to be afraid of me, i just need a minute" he said as i pulled off my sunglasses, clad in my high heels and black dress. he proceeded to tell me why he needed a few dollars for this and that. it sounded lame and i didn't buy it. the honest answer i gave him was i didn't have cash on me.  a few seconds passed and as i opened the door some words tumbled out o...

i'm still breastfeeding. go ahead judge me. i used to judge people who extended breastfeed. it may not be the judgement you are thinking though. it was never "eeeew you are gross." or "what moma would do that?" or "she's going to scar her child." pa-leeeease. spare me. it was nothing of the sort. my judgements were more along the lines of "doesn't she want her body back?"  -   not that it condones the fact that i placed judgement on someones decision that really had no bearing on my life or choices.  ha! little did i know i'd be here with a 16m old still nursing. it is another reminder that i don't know what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes. i never dreamed i'd be here still nursing, but truth is it is what it is and i've accepted it. while i'd be totally ok with bird breaking off, she's clearly not ready. and while i thought that nursing after a year would be annoying and i'd b...

i don't let my worries or woes of the future rent much space in my head anymore (or at least recently). it's a nice feeling, but i would be lying if i said i didn't think about what's in store for my dear gal and growing up in a world that is overstimulated with social media and technology coupled with the underlying pressures of society's idea of what it means to be female. with that, i'll write to my daughter's future. ... my stella, it is always my utmost goal to keep you happy, healthy and safe. as you get older, i realize this will become more challenging. you are already such a sponge. you will grow into your own and your curiosity will lead you to make more and more decisions on your own. it's my hope that your daddy and i can instill a sense of confidence and creativity in you and perhaps it will deter your curiosity to experiment with every parents worries. it's amazing how after having you, i am more cognizant and critical of the ...

i don't believe in the typical judgement day of the all knowing looking down from "his" cloud and your life flashing before your eyes and sending you "up" or "down" - i do believe that there is some relevance to judgement day when we reflect back on our life after we've passed and prepare for the next journey. i'd like to improve my judging in order to grow and be more accepting of myself and other people. i'm trying to take a step back when i realize this fault and admit i am judging. perhaps this will help me evaluate why i feel the urge to be a judge-er. it's part of our humanness, but heck, i'd like to improve. lately when i am judging someone i admit i judge. i know people judge me. at least when i say out loud (or type out loud) that i am judging i feel better. i don't know if it actually does make it any better except in the case that there is no denial. there is no rationalization because i am admitting i am...

i'll admit it's hard. but, i'm trying. i'm one who's always been somewhat of a "searcher" -  it's actually a little irksome, but it's who i am. trying to find that balance (in everything) trying to find what i am supposed to do in life trying to find out what's next i often just want to "be" there's something calming about just being. not to worry about what is next and what i am supposed to do. why is it so hard to be in the present and be ok with being in the present? for as long as i can remember people said "follow your heart" and well, that is hard. your heart doesn't talk. your heart doesn't spell out answers. but, heck, i'm trying to follow my heart. and listen. and be. in our ADD + distraction filled + consumerist + materialistic society it's hard to be. and it's really hard NOT to want. everything.  the next best thing is already tugging at you before we have a chance t...

i don't always do resolutions. i don't like to be forced into doing something new for the sake of doing it. this year i have some goals and i am excited about the challenge. if you know me at all, you know i am competitive, even with myself.   i know i could start these at any time, but with a new year comes a natural want to start "fresh" or refreshed. or both. i want to be held somewhat accountable for these so i may check in from time to time to document my progress or set backs.   end frivolous spending. i am generally very good with my/our money. we do okay and make ends meet, but i want to challenge myself (ourselves) and commit to not buying wants that we think are needs. there are always exceptions, but they have to be legitimately qualified. ie: my running shoes have no traction and are over the normal mileage. while this need isn't life or death, i like to keep my feet healthy being a 4-5x a week jogger. to start i am going to try ...

this year we toned it down. and by toning it down we had 4.5 christmases instead of 5 or 6. we had a lovely time and it was much more fun with bird being 13 months than 1 month. shhhheeeeew. no offense to anyone with newborns around the holidays, but the thought of it brings back exhaustion. (if i have anything to do with it, a spring or summer baby we shall create... not any time soon). below are some picture hi.lites. i snapped what felt like, millions of pics, but truth be told, when there are 3 little people and relatives in town i didn't snap all that many good ones when it comes down to it. stella on christmas morning with her new handmade fox from the city flea / let's play the game 'get 3 kids under 3 to smile with their great grandparents / playing at grandma and grandpas / pockets in the snow / me with TWO tired ONE year olds (please excuse my wine stained teeth and stella's hair bows in my hair) / zonked from present opening. whe...

i, like so many other blogger friends, haven't felt driven to post our day-to-day posts as they seem a little more trivial with such tragedy surrounding us. why does it take situations like this to remind us to create perspective in our own lives? this morning as i was getting ready, my mother in law popped up to see if she needed to get bird. much to her surprise she was sleeping. her face said "wow! she's still asleep - it obviously was a great nite for everyone!!" while my face said "don't let her fool you. she was up twice and she is STILL sleeping only because i, ever so gingerly, laid her back in her bed so i could get ready" and then i grumbled and groaned in complain mode about how she keeps getting up even though i implemented the "cry it out method" on the fly last week. (it worked for a night and then not, and then worked and then didn't... so far i'm not sure i buy this BS). i proceeded to eat my breakfast and decid...

it's sounds a little cliche of course, but that's where i am. i realize almost everything has an eb and flow so i'm not naive in knowing this place won't last forever. however i'm bound and determined to keep this happy place ruminating with the realization that life ultimately has hurdles for everyone, some harder to jump than others. when mister john and i exchanged love letters  we both expressed that this year, while it has brought our greatest joy, has also brought lots of challenges and learning experiences. we both agreed that these experiences have been for the better.  the last six months have been quite eye opening and i never imagined i'd be believing in what i believe today. life's interesting like that. mister john and i treated ourselves in some reiki sessions. These sessions have only helped make clear to us what we want out of life and how we want to get there. That "point b" that everyone seems to strive for... disclaimer:...

i read this post  a while ago and kept it dog-eared because of one line: "it's a funny thing about labor. you never know what you might get and i believe it's not entirely up to us how our baby will come into this world. after all, it is not only our journey, but that of our little one as well. the first steps they will take on their own personal life path." as 1 year quietly and rapidly approaches stella's birth date it's also a reminder of all those hated feelings of the birth. i'm not talking physically here. pish, posh. it was hard, duh. but the real toughness comes in accepting her entry in the exact opposite way i envisioned. commotion. whisked away. not feeling overjoyed with love. frustration. wanting to go HOME! after i read that post, aside from this blogger's story going much more beautifully than mine (ie: "my heart swells and i feel a physical change come over me when i think back to the first few minutes, hours, days togeth...