The gifts.

One year.

There's still a side that does not want to give the past year my time, but truth is it does indeed warrant the reflection. It flew us into chaos and back, upside down and completely steady again. And it continues to do so.

It was Thursday the 12th (2020). Everyone was acting quickly, chaotically and given the immensity of the circumstances, I believe irrationally. In the digitized age we live, it's easy to breathe the hype and addiction to the flooding of information and if your inner core is in fact feeling unsafe, judgement, or fear then I can assure you it won't be a completely rational decision. Go ahead and disagree with me, but in my reality and words, it's how the world has been functioning online for about a decade; hear something, internalize, react, repeat... boom boom boom. Thankfully after this year I do believe the amount of people that can sit with something has increased. Are you one of them?

I resent the phrase "the day the world stopped." 

No it didn't. 

It changed. We changed.

It shifted. We shifted.

It fought. We fought.

It felt. We felt.

It was courageous. It was heavy. It was terrifying. 

So it did not stop, but maybe our day to day robotics were interrupted. 

I wrote this post on facebook one year ago when the greatest transition of all time began:

"Maybe this is an opportunity to slow down and be present. Maybe it's a gift to re-connect to our families and friends {outside not touching (eye roll) of course}. Maybe I am an idiot. Maybe we can raise our collective vibration with kindness and not fear. Maybe we can be aware and prepare without shaming and judging other who don't share the identical narrative. Maybe we will learn something."

All of it.

After one year, it still ALL rings true.

Never in a gazillion years would I imagine reading a post and hoping for the same thing both seeing the growth and seeing the divide. I realize that division can be part of growth, but never would I have envisioned the sludginessof the past year. 

In the end I still want all of it (ok not idiocy, but that's the eye of the beholder):

slow

presence

connection

family

friends

high vibe

awareness

preparedness

lessons

In the end they were all gifts.

If you are stuck, feeling blah, stressed, fearful, angry, depressed, sad, anxious, tired.... ugh, so utterly tired, I give you a permission slip to hold that. You can both celebrate the gifts in this season while holding those feelings. Certainly I cannot be the only one that is grateful for the gifts, but also recognize the exceptionally frenzied emotional coaster.

We had battles among battles in our house. 

(Mostly) my guilt piling to the ceiling. 

The stress level at moments felt insurmountable. 

All of this I take responsibility for... 

I wanted order - the world I lived in stole it from me.

I wanted answers (for myself and my kids) - the world provided me with a lack of transparency.

I wanted to be joyful - the world echoed hymns of fear.

I wanted a timeline - the world was lost in a maze.

Everything that once was normal was in limbo. 

Though, I am indeed an adult- I can manage and I did the best I could, but the layer of guilt was tethering to my spirit.  I look at our attic/school space and become both nostalgic and sad. I see lots of moments together, their excitement about working there for "two weeks to slow the spread" and "flatten the curve," but feel lots of relational frustration and fractures skimming the walls.  Sometimes I want a "do-over."

But alas, gifts. 

Without those battles, would I know what I need to work on as a parent and person?

Would I have that heightened awareness?

Would I properly practice apology modeling?

Would I have adjusted my habits for better sleep and mental health?

Without the places to go, would I have allowed my priorities to shift?

Would I have embraced the slow?

Would I have lowered my homely standards?

Would I have allowed myself to shut my eyes in the day guilt free?

Without the regular human interaction, would I have found my true tribe?

Would I have realized my inborn sovereignty and inner power?

Would I know how to sit with and flush my system of unwanted energy?

Would hubby and I re-evaluate our values in the same way?

Without witnessing the explosive fear, would I have realized the power of mindset?

Would I have conversed with my children about respecting people's boundaries and emotions?

Would I have so deeply chosen to only consume what is healthy and positive with intention?

Would I have realized how much my physical body and spirit are affected by the weight of others fear?

Without the girls in school full time this school year, would I have known their needs the way I do?

Would I have an understanding of how they are processing all the changes within school and the world?

Would I have the grasp of what they are learning being so heavily involved?

Would I be able to witness the growth of my baby from 5-6 so closely? 

Would I have been able to read my 9 year old to know there's something else hiding under the explosions?

Without this penetrating experience of forced self study would I know how 

    To best recognize what I need and ask for it?

    To detach from outcomes?

    To adore space in all it's forms?

    To give grace - to SELF and to others?

So while there was much shedding and loss, I think it's safe to say I've gained a lot this year. I'm going to sit and be grateful for this year- this space, this thickness, this division, this spiritual experience, those that chose to leave the earth leaving their mark, the darkness, way show-ers, the reflection, the ripples... 

all of it. 

And I hope that this goes without saying, but I realize I am blessed and there's an array of experience out there- I do believe I can be both sympathetic without diminishing and silencing my own.