Embodying the Season of Giving

That night I watched the innocence both fade and transmute. 
As life goes it didn't go as I expected or dare I say "planned."

I knew we were close to the end of an era; that Santa / gifts under the tree gasp era. My secret goal was to make it through this Christmas. 

A couple weeks ago we did the rounds of our neighborhood for a "Christmas walk" aka walking around looking at the lights. When we got home, Ana poured herself a glass of oat milk and asked "Does Santa put the gifts under the tree or is it the parents?" Shock and "not now" filled my body as I hung up my hat and coat in the mud room. "What made you think of that?" I asked. "I was just thinking about the milk and it made me think of it." "Hmmmmm" I posed the old "what do you think" back at her feeling like this is not the right time and clinging to my own wants for what Christmas should look like. I wasn't ready to answer, I needed to think it though and I said I would never lie if they flat out ask. 

John stayed downstairs sifting through some questions while I put clothes away and secretly listened from the hallway. I wanted to intervene and say "she's not emotionally ready. This is not good. She loves Santa and truly lives the spirit of the holidays - laying under the tree reading Christmas books, bedazzling herself in Christmas attire complete with a sequin Santa hat. She put on a Christmas carol concert earlier that day." The thoughts dancing in my own head and the dread of hearing John tell her the truth. I do not blame him, he found out at 5, Stella at 7 and me at 8; we all walked away unscathed though I was probably the most disappointed out of the 3 of us. 

I was wallowing upstairs and Stella could tell I was sad. Admittedly I was, but I also had to balance putting on a game face and setting my projections of what our holiday should be like. She reminded me that she still loved Christmas after she found out, which I appreciated. There was something final about this time with the youngest, but it's not fair for me to hook into that and baby someone along life because I'M not ready. I kept eavesdropping and heard the beautiful story he told Stella a few years back "Santa is real, but in spirit form. No person can live that long and parents choose to keep the spirit alive by playing Santa." etc etc etc... 

She came upstairs smiling saying "I am so shocked!!" but I knew better that there was something also buried there when I heard her say "I wish I didn't know that" downstairs. I asked what else she was feeling and what her body felt like. "My head is zig zagging, my heart is circling, my belly feels pukey and my arms and legs are heavy. It just doesn't feel right." and that was what I figured... 

Now, before you speculate that the facade should have gone on further, it's a balance. She was both upset because she felt like she had been lied to, but also sad and disappointed because she felt like someone died - someone she felt a deep connection with. I selfishly didn't like the timing, but egging it on could only amplify her feeling of betrayal later. It's a flip of a coin honestly and how are parents to really know? We had zero issue with Stella, but Ana would take some consoling and grieving. The tears came. She gathered her Santa stuffy, climbed in bed and we listened to the instrumental Silent Night while she repeated "but it just doesn't feel right." We snuggled and let things be that night. The next morning she played her Santa music box on repeat (John said for 30 minutes). I overheard Stella comforting her on her bed: "He is still here Ana. He’s a Spirit watching over us, helping us pick out the gifts." 

She came down later clad in her Santa outfit and still lamented off and on... ahhh the processing of a 6.5 year old. We ended up talking about Jewish people and poor families that never have had a Santa and that their holidays always look different. We talked about the spirit of giving and the real meanings of Christmas; stemming from Jesus getting 3 gifts from the men that followed a giant star. (And I skipped the part that our holidays also stem from the Winter Solstice and other traditions that we may have "stolen" haha!) 

I remembered a few years ago the girls asked me who their guardian angels were... so when I had my next reading with a psychic medium I asked FOR them. "There's always ancestors who are guardians" he said, but the image he saw was Santa Claus. I had forgotten about this revelation until now. I shared that one of her guardian angels is St. Nicholas. She marveled at this as she remembered and seemed pleased and comforted. 

That night I remembered a story I read on the internet years back before the girls were on the brink of asking these questions. It was a story circulating the internet about how parents sat their child down about becoming Santa Claus. I decided to put this to use since we still had some energy transmuting to do. I told her how I was proud of her and how much she has grown up this year listing a few examples. I told her I believe that she indeed can be Santa. "Gasp" of shock was the reply. "Be Santa? Mommy I'm 6 years old?" but she was indeed intrigued with the challenge. I explained that you can think of people you know and secretly leave them gits of what they may like or need. You can be a sleuth about it and give away something you don't use or need anymore. (I know this is a shock, but it wasn't a ploy to get things out of my house, but the experience did have it's advantages). 

She seemed intimidated and excited about it. "Well I know _______ likes ballet and I haven't done that ballet puzzle more than once." And the list started to grow. She began scouring the rooms for crafts and items she will give as Santa Claus. She set up camp in the kitchen asking for help wrapping, she grabbed her largest bag and put on her Santa "Suit" - for that night was her first delivery and she was nervous.

We went to her friend's porch when it was dark and did our own version of ding dong ditch leaving the surprise on the porch. On our way home we saw a buck 5 houses down from that house. We drove slowly making eye contact as "Dasher" as she called him grazed some greens and stared at us. "I think Santa sent me that reindeer to tell me he's proud of me." Indeed. If guardian angels are proud, then yours is beaming. 

What I thought was a loss of a holiday season is turning out to be more meaningful. And per usual I learned valuable lessons; not projecting my ideal holiday onto my kids, making the most of an unexpected outcome, flexibility, patience, empathy... 

And for Ana, she has always felt big and it's beautiful to watch her embody what Santa represents.