long time coming perhaps. (written July 9, 2022)

Honestly, "it" was always on my radar. Ever have that feeling of interest or yearn and you don't really know why? I am notorious for going outside the box so it wouldn't be all that shocking for us to choose to homeschool in 2015.

In time of reflection I think back on when Stella was under two. I sat down with a group of interested homeschoolers for a Q and A, but it was still an anomaly then and most definitely not popular or always understood. And still true in some areas today, but growing fast.

Not a shock though, I never felt like I could do it. I never felt strong enough in my abilities or knowledge to school my own kids and I don't think John had very much interest. Looking back I would certainly want that support, but thing is it would have gone just fine in the sense that it would be all we ever knew. No regrets though. Our school path has led me to some incredible friendships and pushpins of growth opportunities that would not have presented themselves in the same way.

In my third grade classroom there was one of those wall banners above the blackboard that was a photo of Dalmatians with one wearing sunglasses and rainbow polka dots. The banner read: Dare to be Different. I have not forgotten that. Mrs. Johnson wasn't really my favorite teacher, but I remember that poster, that her large, white scruffy dog's name was Magic, how she would crinkle her nose when she was mad, she had a really cozy reading chair and I excelled in my multiplication tables. Miss Ruther taught Religion in another building and Mrs. Herman was next-door classroom. She had a terrible orangey perm and I didn't like the way she talked. That about covered it for 3rd grade for me.

I recall this for reason you see, what do you remember from first grade Social Studies? What do you remember about second grade? I asked myself this repeatedly when we were looking into 2021-2022 school year options. There was a time I felt physically ill about another switch, but deep in the pit of my gut I knew the truth was that we were going to pull them from their school. It wasn't a lack of love at the school; there was a deep alignment with our values that were missing and as a parent I could not ignore the shift in me. 

Now, I am in gratitude for that misalignment and cover lifting so many institutional veils. Stepping out of an old paradigm pushed me to look beyond what education looked like. It pushed me to reflect on what do we want for our family and kids when they are still "little." 

Simple values surfaced: Flexible-Fun-Freedom-Flow

I would pray each night "I do not know, please show me" and low and behold for almost a month straight I would meet a homeschooler or someone who was homeschooled. From people I had known for years to getting phone numbers from complete strangers at the grocery store. The answer, though still hard to swallow was pretty loud.

Like anything new, this did not come without it's growing pains, large learning curve, understanding, compassion and flaws. First came the deschooling (this is customary to de-school your family of traditional schooling. For every year they were in school, it advises one month to de-school. Looking back, I didn't de-school myself and them long enough. The fact that I did not know if this would long term or not I let the societal perception of "grade level" influence me too much at the beginning.

We signed them up for 4 classes at a "homeschool school" where they have 2 days of enrichment classes and 2 days of core classes. You can sign up for 1 class or 4 full days. They opted for two classes one afternoon and two classes another morning. It felt like a good mix to balance ME (and John helping) teaching math and language arts. 

Now, I can't remember the exact timeline, but a year or so prior I asked a neighbor if he'd have coffee with me because I wanted to start a school. (I don't know what I was thinking, go hard or go home I presume...). Mind you, he was a former teacher at the girls' previous Montessori school and he shared he was starting a school the following Fall. I kept this under wraps not knowing what the "answer" to my prayers would be, but we connected again this past Summer when he had the idea to start a Forest School Co-op... we exchanged logistical and expectation thoughts and after some calls and flyers sent out Forest Co-op was born. This gave me one whole day of respite. It was only one, but I didn't realize how much I needed it even thought we only truly planned out homeschool twice a week.

I remember feeling like "what the fuck are we doing?" but also sheer excitement of the unknown and learning outside the lines. Seeing pocket knife on the girls school supply list certainly wasn't in my vision as a parent, but I can tell you there's no one that likes to whittle as much as Ana. I had my doubts on how they would do when their shoes gave them blisters or what if they were too hot or cold in the forest all day. That was repudiated when they came home tired, dirty (sometimes wet) and happy every Monday. Letting nature be the guide, being more comfortable in nature and being dirty and wet and plain old resourcefulness, life skills, imagination and observation skills.

Now they looked forward to their enrichment classes most. Stella opted for Fun with Italian, Dance Workshop, Math Games and Book Club. Ana took Art, Creative Writing, Science and a Resourcefulness class. I'm grateful we added these which allowed them to be in a building and make friends while we were in a year of transition. These helped balance out my "by the book" curriculum at home. They started out excited, told me I was a good teacher and liked the material, but don't worry, that compliment and the book work lost it's luster so I learned to pivot. I was set on a "no planning curriculum" and this served it's purpose and were great for the moorings that John could take a subject and child and teach for the morning too.

There were mornings when I had to beg them to get to the table and casual mornings where we read library books on the couch with coffee. I learned to be okay with not starting at 9:00 a.m. sharp. I learned to not force a child to sit frustrated at the table only to complete a page or two. I learned about my short fuse and my triggers stem from anxiety of them "falling behind" and in turn interfere with learning. Their Forest School teacher, Josh was on a podcast and said you can't force a child to want to learn. This was made clear this year. Interestingly enough my belief was strong in learning being active and not robotic, but I had to live it to really understand it. This was my year of letting go. This was also my year of quality over quantity. This was my year of learning to choose connection over content; being relational. This was my year to practice all the observational and mindfulness techniques I learned in yoga training.

And then, we had some lovely mornings at our neighborhood cafe where we would bring school to the eatery; embrace home grown food while learning outside our 4 walls. We'd do our intention setting for beginning, middle and end of the year here. I learned that I could get some focused, motivated lesson time when we were in another environment. I learned that some days are better left in FLOW. There were times they were playing so beautifully and in my heart I know these days of dolls or imaginative play are numbered. There will come a time where Stella will age out of overlapping interests with Ana. It wasn't always easy to let go, but it was good practice for me. Good practice for me to let go and know that school and life aren't to be lived for checking boxes and grade levels. (And believe me, I love to check a box like the best of them!)

When something wasn't working, I learned to try again. My plan for history was just not landing. A read aloud with journalling after was not age appropriate, but it was often boring. We opted for stealing Mystery History from their previous school and continue to partake monthly thorough the Summer with my parents and John. It's a looked forward to morning. When we realized Stella's language arts curriculum is mostly a yawn and busy work we opted to focus on writing. When Ana can't stand too much workbook we go outside for breaks or try to integrate moving within her learning. And honestly I don't know what grade level they are "on" after some "mishap-py" couple years anyway, BUT you know what I do know? A LOT more about what they do know, what they struggle with, what makes them tick a little more. Maybe that's normal, but I'm grateful to have this knowledge of their needs.

I also want to be clear -

This year was hard. It was hard for them emotionally and academically. We asked them to be brave and try new places and try new routes. Through the challenges, I never have regretted our decision. There has been some grief, and question and doubt, but never regret. Growth requires pain, you know, like, growing pains.

And when June hit, I was both relieved and sad that this time "at home" has ended. Yet, here we are mid-Summer, still working a little bit and feeling the rhythm of how this really can work. I called in a once a week Summermsub (ahem my mom) while I work at the farm and it's kind of a known chore now and she's a much better teacher than I am. (I guess it was all those years tutoring me). While maybe the "work time" is seen as a necessary chore now, but I have certainty they are seeing their progress.

So when my mom expressed concern last Summer that this would be to challenging and stressful for me, it only lit a fire under me more. Tell me I can't and if I want it I'll prove to you I can. She wasn't wrong though, it was challenging and stressful. BUT, much like parenting itself, it was also truly rewarding, eye-opening and relational.

What can education look like?

What do you want for you kids?

I don't want them to follow along in a school book and not care much about what they are learning.

I do care about staying on top of Reading and Math. They don't have to be wizards, but it is priority that they have the understanding they need for this point in their life. I think John would agree when I say:

I want them to be curious and free. 

I want them to create and be resourceful.

I want them to learn confidence and not afraid to question.

I want them to be kind, inclusive and empathetic.

I want them to feel and express their emotions.

I want them to have an understanding of mindfulness and observation.

I want them to appreciate nature.

I want them to be -

who they were meant to be.