emotion.

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we had a great morning with our potential midwife - 90 minutes of chatting and Q / A. we haven't officially signed a contract, but i knew she would be my first choice as i already spent a week with her. i still wanted to make sure john felt good moving forward with her as well.  

despite the torrential rains the morning was off to a great start and i didn't feel naus! 
this little meeting tho let it set in as more of a reality check. i don't know how i want to describe this, but i feel like i have to watch my emotions. everything i feel or get upset over in turn our little grape feels. when i got really heated and upset this morning i felt awful about putting such negatively charged energy to nugget. i don't think i have got so upset over something before to the point where i felt this horrible after.
i felt like i was inappropriately arguing in front of my child. it hit home that everything i do in pregnancy and into parenthood has the potential to affect our child. how scary.

i rec'd our babycenter update this week and the changes i am supposedly going thru certainly were spot on as i still feel queasy from time to time and also feel somewhat terrified. each day brings more changes whether physical, mental or emotional and i guess today i am finding it a little harder to process than before. 
holy crap it's like someone has partial control over my body. 

a friend described it as a parasite, getting whatever they need at the mother's expense. 
humbling none the less, but still somewhat frightening.

babycenter excerpt reads:

You still may not look pregnant even if your waist is thickening a bit. You probably feel pregnant, though. Not only are morning sickness and other physical symptoms out in full force for most women, but you may feel like an emotional pinball as well.
Mood swings are common now — it's perfectly normal to feel alternately elated and terrified about becoming a parent. Try to cut yourself some slack. Most women find that moodiness flares up at around six to ten weeks, eases up in the second trimester, and then reappears as pregnancy winds to a close.

re BOLD: THANK GOD!
ironically i cried to john about being terrified this same day.
...and how it is scary to have something inside you all the time that accounts for your
physical & emotional changes with no warning. luckily he hugged me, let me cry and made me feel not so abnormal anymore.

Comments

ma mom said…
That "rag doll" is really cute. I think Josie needs a cute dolly, but this one might become nuggets. I remember your Anthony and Caroline and many more. Lea had Lolly doll. In notes about you as a 14=month old, it says you enjoy hobby horse, 4 piece puzzles, dolls, picnic table and balls because you have a good arm.
6/5/11
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