a lesson in perspective.

An honest note on my selfish feeling self.

Now, I am taking a risk of ridicule, and controversy by posting this, 

but I am going to do it.

and i am sure this won't be my only controversial post.

let's start my tale by saying I have been a bit stressed the last few days. 

I accepted a new gig at the hospital a week or so ago ... 

maybe 2, I can't keep tabs on the time...

and a word of advice:

don't start a new gig while pregnant!

Ha.

But, in all honesty it was the right move to make.

more of an interest, full time, still have some flexibility, 

working directly with patient families...

so with learning a new job 

and trying to do it quickly since they lost a couple recruitment weeks in the transition 

and my current job pushing some deadlines, 

keeping in touch and helping transition paisley, 

not always feeling good 

and in the back of my mind wanting to stir ideas
of social media for a side job

...i have been feeling a little stressed out.

in fact the last 2 days i have felt angry.

 and not up to par with any of my endeavors. 

perhaps i put the pressure on myself, work wise
since i can't seem to accept learning curves...

 + patience is/was never my strong suit, 

but all and all it wasn't a good feeling i was carrying with me.

i hate feeling stressed out and sad bc i don't want the littlan to feel it.

i guess i am already trying to protect the little thing.

i lashed out at john over something pretty menial.

i proceeded to sit in the shower and cry for an hour straight.

it felt amazingly horrible. 

or

horribly amazing.

some due to stress, some due to hormones, 

some due to feeling awful at the fact that i have felt evil lately

towards john, towards nugget and humanity. it's a good thing i don't carry a weapon.

so today i woke up and went to work and decided this anger needs to exit and i tweeted that i'll have a good and positive day if it is the last thing i do.

and, well, it worked.

today i was schooled in perspective.

i had my first family survey for the "new portion of the job" in the cerebral palsy clinic.

in the CP center my outlook instantly changed. 

kids coming in that can't walk and talk and are just adorable and friendly.

i spent the morning with one family. 

a 7 year old boy who was just a lil heart breaker.

He would shake every one's hand and say "nice to meet you" when he met them.

He walked all over with his walker and loved to show off 

his videos of him putting on socks and small tasks that deserve big celebrations.
I stayed for the whole appointment (almost 2 hours) 

of nurses, the doctor, OT, PT, 

benefits specialist, social worker... and then, finally........ my turn.

i listened to mom rattle off ALL his meds 

and all about their tasks and their daily stressors in life and the lack of support in areas.

 there is a simple fact that everything they do is exponentially harder and more complicated.

i rec'd an education and a reminder that:

no.

money is money.

my life isn't that stressful.

there is no reason for me to be so angry.

and the sex of my child is not important.

i used to criticize people who wanted a certain sex saying that 

"if you want a baby, just want a baby. it shouldn't matter."

while i know this is true, i have felt tremendous guilt over preferring a girl for our first.

oddly enough, before i got pregnant i didn't care.

in fact pre Annie days (now 9 y.o.) i only wanted boys.

and now i turn up pregnant and all the sudden i want a girl??!
i'm sure a little has to do with being surrounded by little girls more than boys lately, but:

how selfish. 
 and i have become the person that i used to criticize? how does that happen?

i'd like to have a daughter AND a son, but for some reason i lean towards a girl right now.

i called my mom early on in pregnancy telling her i was a horrible person for wanting a girl 

and thinking i am carrying a boy and how awful of a feeling that is...

i do know when the baby comes out i will love my son or daughter or llama just the same.

well, ok, maybe i'll love the son and daughter more.

(and i also have learned that apparently most people have preferences
even though they pretend not to. but, i couldn't help feeling unfair about it)

i am not into raising girls and boys differently 

by any gender specifications so it really shouldn't matter.
we are devoted to having this child no matter what it is and how it looks

and what problems may arise -
(even if it looks like a llama). 

that is how we started and that is how we plan to parent.

and i do truly believe that it is pre-destined what we are going to have 

and boy/girl will be what john and i are supposed to have right now.

i just needed to write it out honestly. 

i know a lot of people who would love to be in my shoes dying for a child - boy or girl

so i will try to keep this positive attitude and new perspective

and treat pregnancy as more of a gift.
so when i start my venting (which i am sure i will still have some in the cards before NOV) 

please listen and gently keep me accountable.

my heart goes out to all the parents and care-givers 

of those who have kids with special needs.

thank you for all you do for these kids.

i thank your children for putting me in my place 

and 

hopefully i will carry a more unselfish tone going forward and
realize that healthy is all i should ever want.