lessons in heart ache.

-
my job has certainly taught me about perspective.
today was a simple lesson in practicing calm.

i was interviewing a 12 year old boy with CP.
he was adorable, cognitively age appropriate, but had lots of mobility issues.
he was in today for a follow up and to receive botox injections.


since CP has such a range in severity 
I never truly can predict my clinic days and time lines. 
this guy was polite and seemed to be giving honest answers 
and was fun to work with.
we weren't able to finish all the questions due to the botox procedure.


typically unless both parent and patient are finished with their surveys 
i remain in the room-
since mom wasn't completed, i was there for the procedure.
i've seen this done many times, on many kids with varying reactions and severity's.
i work with a superb team of doctors and nurses 
and witness some A+ bedside manner weekly.


this particular procedure today struck me.
i don't know why this one more than any other.
here is a 12 year old - knowing he will receive his injections today 
and was a little teary before they started.
he just wailed during the process and i found myself close to tearing up.


i'm not sure why this kid struck this cord 
or if it was just the feeling of being so helpless.
or if i imagined myself in that mom's shoes 
with her screaming child in fear and in pain.
i once again am in awe over some parents A-game.



even though this boy was fine afterwards (and i knew he would be) 
it was still difficult to hear heart-wrenching screaming,
knowing there is not a whole lot you can do, 
but calmly wait and comfort the best you can.


perhaps it's pregnancy hormone's, but it felt real.
i didn't cry as i knew it wouldn't help,
but my heart felt weighted during the whole process


reality sets in little by little knowing i will too feel helpless at times with our child;
cries at night.
transitions to a crib.
stuffy noses.
scrapes and falls.
being teased.
struggling in school.
broken hearts.
...


it is only the beginning of a long road to humble-dom.


sigh.





Comments

ma mom said…
A new form of practicing for motherhood, but being an aunt or care-gover can't compare to the process of learning how you can't be all for your children, but sometimes it isn't in their best interest either. they have lessons to learn too.
There is no perfect parent or parent/child relationship. There is a guarantee of times of joy and times of struggle. Wish we could take pain away from the innocent, but being part of a world of caring helps you do your part.
One thing I have learned is you are given lessons early to help you with the ones to follow. It doesn't get easier, but then it does.
18/8/11
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

the story of stella.

-
Image
it's been really hard to sit down and write this. not just because i keep falling asleep or stella needs to nurse... sure that is a part of it, but, there is a vulnerable part to writing this birth story that i have been having a hard time wrapping my head around. i'm an open book and this post will be a piece of that open book, but know that i still am sifting through some anger that things didn't go as "planned" even though for 10 months i mentally prepared for all possible outcomes and knowing the plan may not happen.  ...and per usual i didn't hold back on details. if you can't handle it, sorry. this is birth. INTRO: it was most important for me to bring our child into the world in the most organic way possible. after lots of research, resources and conversations we decided the best route to do this would be a home birth. we chose our midwife, found an amazing doula , and i received back up care the entire pregnancy from 2 obgyn's that i c
Read more

waiting for our arrival

-
over and over again, this theme rolls onward  in my life right now. i feel aligned, mostly positive, gracious and overall pretty happy.  there's been multiple times i wanted to sit and write this piece, but then there's this part of me that says "but what if things didn't work out as you said?" "what if you go broke?" "people will think you are tooting your own horn..."  but, honestly why do i care? this is me and if people get something from it, great. if not, also, great. same reason for me not going to use capital letters here... because i don't feel like it. like it or don't. negative self talk is so self deprecating. we wouldn't let someone talk to us like that, but we let ourselves talk us out of EVERYTHING! this is a little tale and peek into our life.  over a year ago john left his comfortable job with good benefits (no, really the best benefits there are, kind of benefits). he could do this job with his eyes closed,
Read more

what i have learned my baby's first month

-
i have a guest post coming about lessons learned in a baby's first year and i started tracking what i was learning because every day seemed like a new lesson. i'm certain this will grow. i have learned: 1. how much more laundry a little makes (not including cloth diapers).  our water bill coming must be astronomical. 2. it's not easy to be the same wife you once were while tending to a little.  our love may be stronger, but it takes more effort. 3. projectile vomiting is common among ferocious eating newborns. 4. large breasts are completely overrated. 5. how much you will melt looking at your husband with his daughter. 6. i'm not sure i can fathom someone else taking care of my child even if it's family. 7. that cheering over and congratulating large burps is a common occurrence. 8. that my driving has tremendously improved (and everyone else has become worse). 9. how fast the days go by because  a) we nap b) there is always something (everything) that ne
Read more