Coping with a Preemie [guest post]

When I sought out guest posters for my "maternity" leave from blogging 

I wanted to make sure I got a range of stories.  

I want to send Beth from It's A Wonderful Life a huge thank you for sharing her story with us. 

I know there are people out there that can relate.

I thought it'd be appropriate to post on Abigail's birthday! 

Happy Birthday Abigail!!

There are so many things I was oblivious to....innocence really was bliss.

We struggled to get pregnant, but through IVF, we got pregnant with our first child.  And we were happy!  Elated!  All the shots.  Meds.  Blood draws.  Doctor appointments.  And now...we had a heartbeat, then a baby!

So the hard part was over (infertility was so difficult and deserves a post all it's own)...or so we thought.  We had a normal, boring pregnancy.  Because that's how all pregnancies are, right?  You get pregnant..and then 40 weeks later, you have a baby.  That's how all our friends did it.  Smooth sailing. 

Fast forward to my 30 week checkup.  A normal checkup.  A normal pregnancy. We did EVERYTHING right!  I stayed active, but not too active.  I ate healthy.  I took my prenatal vitamins.  I took prenatal yoga.  I rested.  I ate more.  I went to my checkups.  I did everything I was supposed to.  But at that 30 week checkup, I mentioned my back was hurting. I believe the doctor's words were, "That's normal.  Nothing to worry about.  But we'll check it out."  About 5 minutes later, I'm in the car, driving to the hospital because I'm in labor.  I'm on the phone with the hubby, who can't keep it together.  We are both crying.  What is going on?????  This isn' t right.  Never mind we have NOTHING (my shower was still a month away and our house wasn't even finished being built yet) how can this baby survive?????

They stop the labor after 3 days.  The ironic part was on the second day, we had our "What to Expect" class at the hospital.  My hubby went to the class, while his wife laid in L & D.  The irony.

We head home after 3 days on strict bed rest, but that only lasted 3 more days. Then, back to the hospital....After 24 hours my water broke, so it was Baby Time.  Throughout this whole time we had been "groomed" on what to expect when our baby came out.  We met NICU doctors.  And nurses.  The baby wouldn't cry and would be rushed to the NICU.  But what to expect after that was unknown. Oh Crap...we need a name!!!!!

At 31 weeks, on December 22nd, our daughter Abigail Grace was born at 3lbs.  And she came out SCREAMING!!!! 

But that stopped quickly.  There were 20 people working on her.  And nothing we could do.  They put her in an incubator and off she went to the NICU.  My husband was able to tell our family it was a girl and then he went to be with her in the NICU. I watched her be taken away and was the most scared, and in love, I have ever been in my life.

I was able to join her a few hours later.  She was so small...and beautiful...and perfect...and small! 

Since she was 9 weeks early, they told us to expect her to be in the NICU for 9 weeks.  But no one knew what the future held.  The first thing was to keep her breathing and keep her temperature warm.  She was too small to do these things alone.  So she lived in her incubator.  We were able to hold her hand through the incubator every couple of hours.  I wanted to hold her, to meet her face to face, to talk to her.  But I would take what I could get. 

She had tubes and wires everywhere.  Helping her breath.  Feeding her through a tube.  Monitoring her heart beat, oxygen levels, etc.  It was scary to see.  She was so small they had to put her IV into her head because her hands and feet were too small for an IV needle.   Any parent of a child in the NICU will tell you the sounds are the scariest.  Things are constantly beeping...and people are constantly running into your room...and you are constantly asking "What's going on?"  Micro-preemies (born before 32 weeks) forget to breath. They just stop breathing.  It's scary!  They just need someone to shake them a little and remind them....but it's constant.  For Abigail's first week, she had a nurse with her 24-7. 

The next few days were rough.  And it didn't help that it was Christmas time.  I was released for the hospital on Christmas Eve.  That was the hardest day of my life.  I couldn't leave my baby in the hospital on Christmas Eve and go home.  Luckily, we were at an amazing hospital that knew that I needed to be with my baby, so they let us sleep in an empty room so we could be with her Christmas morning. 

I will never forget our first Christmas together.  We went down to the NICU around 5am in our pajamas.  We walked into her room..and it was full of decorations and presents.  I LOST it.  She was so loved....and we were a family on Christmas.  They even had a Santa hat on her that morning...I will never forget that moment.  Then, this mama got the best Christmas gift I ever received...they said I could hold my daughter for the first time.  I tear up even now thinking of that moment of meeting my daughter.

internet access, an i pad.  I just sat there and read her stories and sang her songs and told her about her family.  We had her incubator full of family who loved her.  We had visitors.  And we waited for the hubby to get off work so we could spend our evenings as a family.

What made it even harder was what was happening all around us.  Babies born 1 lb, having a surgery in the room next to us because the baby is too small to even leave the NICU for the surgery.  Chaplains coming in to pray for the babies.  Parents getting bad news.  And parents getting good news.  And babies getting released after a few days...and you are so happy for that family but wish it was you!!!!!

I ate every meal in that cafeteria. We spent Xmas there.  We were with her at midnight on New Years Eve.  We were there for her first bath, the first day we could put her in clothes, the first day she could regulate her own temperature, the first day she didn't have a feeding tube down her throat, her first bottle.  Things that most people take for granted were little milestones that were all had to hold onto.  Our future was still so unknown.  Did she have bleeding in the brain?  Would she have lung issues from her small preemie lungs?  Would she have eye issues (a lot of preemies have problems with their eyes)? Would she need heart surgery?  Would she walk?  Talk?  Laugh?   Remember this time of her life????  We were told a lot of preemies have issues with things in their mouth (bottles, pacifies, etc) because they are traumatized from having the feeding tubes constantly shoved down their throats. 

We knew she had to eat on her own.  Keep her temperature regulated without help.  Be 4 lbs.  Be able to stay in a car seat without stopping breathing.  And not have a "stopping breathing" issue for 24 hours.  So we waited.  And prayed. And did therapy. And prayed.  And talked to doctors.  And prayed.

After 4 weeks, the day Abigail hit 4 lbs, we were able to take her home.  This was the second time we were told we could take her home..the first time she failed the car seat test.  She was only 35 weeks, still 5 away from her due date.  They said this was the earliest they spent a baby home...and we just laughed because we had definitely already showed us her personality...she was going to do things on her time and her own way!!!!

The next few months continued to be hard.  No visitors because she was so fragile.  No sleeping because I was terrified she'd stop breathing.  And lots of doctors appointments. 

I have to say, this was the hardest time of our lives, but we met more angels in our weeks in the NICU that I could ever imagine.  We met other families with other preemies, 2 of the families who we have become extremely close to and see each other regularly.  We have celebrated 3 more birthdays together since.  And we met the nurses...they are amazing. They were our angels...and I told them that...and continue to tell them that because they are still part of our lives...and will tell them that every time I see them.  We got through this because of the nurses who watched over our daughter, especially the hours when we couldn't be there!

And here we are today...only weeks away from celebrating my littlest angel's 4th birthday!  I am blessed!  And as we have done every year on her birthday, on December 22nd we will go back to the NICU to thank the nurses and doctors.  To drop off Christmas presents to all the babies in the NICU.  And to remind us where we have come from and how much we have to be grateful for.