the story of stella.

it's been really hard to sit down and write this.
not just because i keep falling asleep or stella needs to nurse... sure that is a part of it,
but, there is a vulnerable part to writing this birth story that i have been having a hard time wrapping my head around. i'm an open book and this post will be a piece of that open book, but know that i still am sifting through some anger that things didn't go as "planned" even though for 10 months i mentally prepared for all possible outcomes and knowing the plan may not happen. 


...and per usual i didn't hold back on details. if you can't handle it, sorry. this is birth.

INTRO:

it was most important for me to bring our child into the world in the most organic way possible. after lots of research, resources and conversations we decided the best route to do this would be a home birth. we chose our midwife, found an amazing doula, and i received back up care the entire pregnancy from 2 obgyn's that i completely adore. while i don't expect many people to understand or agree with this as it is not the status quo (when have i done anything status quo though?), it was the best choice for me to feel comfortable giving birth. ...and that my friend's is key: moma must feel comfortable where she births, whether it be hospital, home or birthing center.

i felt great about our decision and excited and empowered, but around 38 weeks i was having some fear surface - not about something going wrong with me or the baby, but more about having to transport for a non-life threatening reason. you see, my sister had a transport scenario, her daughter's head was asynclitic and wouldn't exit on her own. positioning is very key for first time mamas and the only home birth i, myself, had witnessed was a transport.

i talked this fear over with my midwife, doula and mister john (and my sister) who all reminded me that i am my own person with my own birth story and the only thing i know of home birth first hand is transport so it'd be natural to experience some of these fears. i said that i feel like god is going to play a sick joke on me because i feel so passionate about bringing my baby into the world this way. i felt like the sick joke would be "you are not in charge - things don't go as planned" sort of thing. ok, now that really isn't a sick joke, but after months of planning the thought of it made me feel like my planning and pre-natal care was all in vain. 

i did however feel better after talking it out.

i'd been so uber organized for this birth; i had a birth binder with position tips for partner, contact lists, directions to the hospital, maternity paperwork. i had a table full of all the appropriate home birth items, we had a successful run through the week or so before covering all different scenarios and everyone was on board and everything seemed to flow nicely.

hospital translates to an institution where sick or injured are given medical or surgical care. Since birth is a completely natural process and moma's have been doing this for eons and birth is not a sickness or injury i didn't find it necessary to start at a hospital unless i needed extra assistance. i pre- registered at our hospital in case we needed to transport and would not choose home birth without receiving parallel care (thank you bowen center for empowering women to have more than one option). 

please note that i don't want to make out that hospitals are bad. i work at one if you must know. my/our goal was to try to organically bring our baby into the world and avoid the umpteen interventions and policy the hospital has: IV fluid, gown, wheelchair, epidural being offered 10-hundred times, fetal monitor, and in short i wanted to labor in the comfort of my home free of hospital interruptions, where i felt most comfortable and prepared.

... and that is what i did:

And so it begins:
never in a million in a half years would have bet money on my child coming on time, let alone early. i was already planning to write a note to stella on her "due date" - wait for it... 11/22/11, but didn't need to since she shocked me/us and arrived on the 20th. whoa.


on friday the 18th i went to see my midwife for our weekly appointment - around 39.5 weeks. i declared "nothing is going on. i'll see you at 40 weeks and 41 and december... i'm going to 42 weeks while i will be watching all my other pregnant friends have their babies." 


my midwife laughed, but accepted my thoughts and since first time mamas often go to 42 weeks there wasn't anything wrong with me going that route even tho i was tired of walking around feeling like a ticking bomb every where i went and people on the street telling me 
"you look like you are going to pop."
cool, thanks.
i mean, sometimes i wonder what goes through people's minds before they speak.


i go to work after the appointment and people ask how i am doing. feeling pretty good i'd say, but feeling really tired. our admin asks if i can go home, but i say i need the hours and have too much work to do before baby. i end up staying a lot later than anticipated, but luckily finish a few more things than planned.


that evening i go to bed around 10 which is a little earlier than normal, but i was feeling really exhausted. more so than normal. i awoke around 1AM to find myself needing to go to the bathroom really bad. on the way there i felt dripping down the hallway. i figured since i have so much pressure on my bladder i am leaking urine. i get up only to find i am still dripping. not gushing, but just uncontrolled dripping. so i head back to bed with new undies and a towel for the bed. shortly after, this happens 3 more times with intense hunger. i get a bowl of cereal from downstairs (yes with a towel between my legs, still in disbelief thinking this is nothing) and start to type a blog. i realize this is dumb. i should rest.


so...
i go back to bed, new undies, towel in tow and try not to wake mister john. (he had to work the weekend so i wanted him to get his rest in general and especially if this baby were to come soon). he became a little suspicious when i kept coming back to bed with towels and going back and forth to/fro the bathroom. i told him i think i am leaking fluid and having a little cramping. i told him to get some rest this is probably nothing and if it is something it could take a long time and we need our energy. now, i knew he wouldn't be able to sleep well after that b/c thinking back to when my sister called to tell me her water broke just as an FYI, well i didn't sleep a lick.
i told john to go ahead and plan on going to work and try sleeping on the couch since i was tossing and turning so much attempting comfort and attempting to accept that this could in fact be the start of labor.


he ended up going to work, but said he'd only go for a few hours as he must have known something was up. (perhaps more than i did). i said i will call my sister to go to the grocery and help with laundry and i'll cancel my pedicure. i'm sure i can manage and will call you if i can't. keep your phone on.


all morning i breathed thru the pre-labor / early contractions while i instructed my sister what i needed done to feel sane: laundry, fold john's clothes, send bryan (BIL) to grocery store so i have labor snacks (WE WERE OUT OF FOOD like madddd), vacuum... you know, just the typical things that people want to have done while going into labor, right?! lea made sure i was fed and watered, timed some contractions, held my bowl as i threw up multiple times from the hormones being released.


john arrived home around 11/noonish to find me in active labor. i still am not sure if i knew i was in active labor. lea had called my midwives and doula in the mean time to let them know what was going on. i called them earlier, say, 6-7AM to tell them what was happening - knowing my sister's history of prodromal labor they may not have been sure that i'd go as quickly as i progressed since i was still talking thru contractions.


when lea had called i wasn't able to talk on the phone. it was all about breathing and positioning etc. 
after lea informed the birth team they decided i was in/on my way to active labor by what she described. john set up the birthing pool and before i knew it my midwives and doula were here. i couldn't believe how fast everything was going (i think everyone was surprised). we all thought at this rate we'd meet our baby by evening and they'd be driving home at 8/9 PM at night.


i remember putting off getting into the birth tub, bc in my mind that meant i was far along and needed the soothing warm water at that time and in my bit of denial i didn't realize i was far along. i finally got in the tub and said "why in the world didn't i do this earlier?" the warm felt so good. 


it is a little hazy from this point onward, but i will do my best.


we started pushing in the tub (don't remember if it was the first or second time in) as i unintentionally was making the pushing sounds during some contractions... tell tale sign that it's time to push. looking back i don't know if i was mentally ready to push as it didn't seem to come completely natural yet, but ran with the punches and breathed how i felt i needed to. i think at some point my baby turned posterior in the tub bc i remember having that intense back labor. 


there were times i cried. lots of hormones and lots of people have babies after a good cry or puke. one point i cried feeling so sad for my friend who lost her sister. here i was having all this pain and she will be doing this feeling emotional pain and i couldn't fathom that at the time. i didn't tell people why i was crying. i just needed to let it out.


we went from the tub upstairs. my water hadn't fully broken and i was experiencing a lot of pressure and needed it to stop. john and my sister took turns doing squats with me to try to release that water bag. ...eventually it worked and damn that felt good. (that earlier leaking was my upper bag dripping hence why there wasn't a gush that people are so used to from TV and movies).


i am not sure what time it was and honestly tried not to look at the clock. and i didn't care what time it was since i knew it wouldn't help me. we pushed (and by we, i mean i pushed and my birth team encouraged me) all over the dang house. on the toilet (a good place to feel comfortable pushing haha!), the bedroom floor, birth tub... 


although i was making progress baby wasn't exiting. my midwife wanted to double check to see if there wasn't anything in the way so i agreed. she found a little lip of cervix still in the way even though i was fully dilated. (this is all too familiar, my sister had this same damn lip issue). i managed to, with the help of my midwife, push over that lip of cervix after a LONG time. i was exhausted, but not willing to give up yet. everyone could see the babies head and apparently i felt it, but babies heads are squishy so i didn't know or care that i felt it at that point. i was told our baby had a lot of hair. again, sounded nice and never did i imagine our baby having hair, but i wanted to know why in the world our baby with hair that everyone could see wouldn't just come out to say hello.


since our baby was sunny side up (posterior) it made it really hard to exit. her little head kept getting stuck and couldn't get under the pubic bone (or over? i forget) in that position. i just kept trying, but at the same time i felt bad for my baby's little head getting hit on the pubic bone (even though i didn't know what that meant). my midwife tried to manually move the head into a better position as i pushed. i don't remember all this pain, but i remember this being very painful, but again i didn't care. i don't know if it was 15 minutes of trying this, but in my head i knew we had to go. after every contraction the heart rate was checked and there weren't any issues there. i wasn't worried about me or my baby, i just wanted us to meet her. 


i couldn't believe that the day before at my appointment she was in such an optimal position and then on the decent down she changed during what started out to be a really, really fast labor. 


my midwife informed me we used all the tools in the toolbox. baby is fine, but needs assistance. i knew this. even being in "labor land" i knew this. i witnessed this all to closely with my sister during her birth experience and it was like Déjà vu just being on the other side of it. i knew john was anxious, but i couldn't focus on anyone else since i still was having pushing contractions regularly. i easily agreed to transport and had the baby bag packed (just in case) minus a few items. i made sure i could have a shower and brush my teeth (side note: i made my sister brush my teeth 3x during labor. it's been my idiosyncrasy and labor didn't stop me!) before leaving. since baby and moma weren't in any danger my midwife agreed and by the time everyone gathered the appropriate items and helped clean up the house (2 stayed back) my shower didn't take any time at all. i knew that physically and emotionally i needed to start clean and feel clean. 


i layed in the back of john's car and our midwife sat next to me checking babies heart rate as i tried to breath through a pushing contraction. um, yea, side note again, have you ever tried to breath through a pushing contraction? it is really, EFFING hard. your whole body is taking over telling you to push something out. yea.
i remember saying hail mary's on the way there. not because i was worried, but something that i could just focus on over and over again.


we arrived. 
it was about 2/3 AM so we had to enter via emergency. i chose to walk. i couldn't bare the thought of being in a wheelchair and the thought of sitting down made me ill. even though i had pre-registered i still had to answer questions at the front desk and sign some paperwork all during my pushing contractions. 
awesome.
they asked if i had a religion "not today" i responded.
my religion can wait.


finally i had a large contraction and they let mister john and my sister answer the remaining questions and i walked with my midwives to labor and delivery. i chose to walk, but i had no earthly idea how far ER to L+D were. mister john and lea easily caught up since i was walking so slow with contractions.


my midwife had been in contact with my doctor for some time keeping him posted on my labor so he was aware we were coming in and they both agreed on my epidural since i had been contracting so long and since it was apparent i would need instrumental assistance. dr B wanted me to get some rest bc i still had some work to do.

we made it to the room and the fun begins...

i had to put on a gown even tho i didn't want to. i guess the clothing i wore/brought wouldn't work for an epidural or something. i was more scared of the epidural than i was of all i had just experienced. i knew i needed one to continue with these contractions. i didn't love the sensation of my lower body feeling 1/2 numb, but i didn't have a choice. the epidural was supposed to make me sleepy and relaxed, but it made me quite chatty. poor mister john was so tired (well everyone was) and he conked out next to my bed while i wanted to chat with everyone and ask questions. i remember saying "i'm still proud of myself for all i did" and i don't know what i asked the nurse, but i remember asking her all sorts of questions.


i hated the blood pressure, IV and tubes and cords and bracelets. sigh. everything i didn't want, just like my sister, i then got. was this the mean joke god was playing on me? 
my sister snuck me food and water when the nurses weren't looking. i'm sorry, but ice chips don't cut it. just dumb.
i finally surrendered to a little sleep, 40 minutes of me snoring until doctor B came.
i was so happy to see him. he was so relaxed and i pretty much was too. since everything that happened previously was in my sister's story i knew what was coming next. i knew that i would have to push this baby out with the help of forceps.
normally i don't love the idea of forceps, but having seen how gentle dr B used them before and knowing my baby is more than dropped, and knowing he is not the type of man that would try something he didn't believe would work made me ok with it. 
he first tried to manually move her bead just like our MW did at home and it was to no avail. stubborn little thing. eventually he was able to somehow move her back up and she re-descended. my contractions were still coming, but not as consistent, but good news is that i didn't need pitocin b/c they were strong enough. it was only a few pushes with the help of forceps that this little lady came out. 


and i'll have you know i barely tore and zero to my perineum. thank you, thank you. maybe the kegel reminder sign i put on my computer at work did something...


ah. finally. i have this baby on my chest for not very long and i don't completely remember, but i think i said "hi baby. you are all ours. oh my goodness."
i couldn't believe she had hair.
i couldn't believe she was ours.
i couldn't believe that this child didn't look like either one of us (at the time)
i couldn't believe anything.


she was whisked away to get suctioned, but i made john go over and talk to her so she heard a recognizable voice. i yelled "hi baby" from across the room. i didn't even know if it was a boy or a girl and had to ask. dr B had said it was a girl, but i didn't hear him through the awe of looking at the baby on my chest. when the baby was on my chest the umbilical cord ran right through the legs and i wasn't sure if there was a penis there or not and let's be honest vagina's and baby scrotum's actually don't look all that different, so uh, how would i have a clue. truth is i didn't care.


john told me it was a girl. sigh. 
we had a name for her at least :)


after what seemed like years, she was placed on my chest breathing hard. i reassured her she could calm down and told her she did a good job. very surreal moment holding that little girl for the first time. it's still surreal now, but less and less the more we get to know each other. 


i know every healthy moma and baby story is a successful one, but i had a lot of anger when i thought about this those first few days. so, i really didn't think about it much. i was mad at my body (still am a little) - mad that my pubic bone wouldn't let the posterior baby through on it's own. and mad that the only fear that surfaced for 9+ months ended up happening. it was nice to not be worried about what will happen next since i had seen this all play through before, but it was also irritating. going into this i knew this would be a possibility or i wouldn't have packed a hospital bag or pre-registered for the hospital, but i'm disappointed. was all my hard work for nothing? 


no. 


i'm happy i did everything in my power to have a healthy pregnancy for mom and baby. i'm happy i exercised all the way up until 39 weeks as it made me more energized and all around feel better. i'm happy i chose wisely the foods i ate. i'm happy i purchased the ergonomically sound chair - i don't think i would have made it on the regular ones so long. i'm happy i still was able to have a vaginal birth. i'm happy i was able to experience what all types of contractions feel like and able to labor unmedicated. i'm happy i did all the research i did to make the most sound decisions and know what interventions were happening and whether or not they were truly necessary and was able to ask lots of questions. i'm happy we chose wonderful advocates for the whole process. if anything maybe something i did made my child a little more resilient. 


ultimately i'm happy our little girl is healthy, strong, and in our arms. 
at the end of the day, yes, that is the most important thing and now that she is here there isn't a thing in the world i wouldn't do to get her here, but i would be lying if i was writing this free of disappointment. 


i will also add that as much as i didn't want to go to the hospital i'm grateful we have them as back up. i didn't want an instrumental or medicated birth, but had to have both for little lady to come out. most of what i don't like about hospitals is the liability and policy they carry with them (rules that make it feel like less individualized care), but seeing friend's positive experiences turn out so nicely with my particular OB's brings me hope that i can have the birth i want for the next - home or hospital. 


i'm pretty sure my midwife wrote this piece as it was posted the day after stella's birth and is pretty spot on my experience. i know she hated to have to tell me we were out of tricks just as much as i hated hearing it. 


i know this will fade and baby #2 (let's stick to one at a time though) will have a different story and i'll be stronger bc i have this one under my belt.