A Bittersweet Day [guest post]

I'd like to thank Kelly of You Make Me Live for her courage and willingness to share her story on such a "touchy" subject. I think it's important people talk and hear about the hard stuff too. Life's not all roses. I met Kelly in my Tuesday night yogi group and she works with "my photographer" Mel as a talented birth photographer at Beautiful Beginnings. I'm so happy to report she will be having her second baby boy in May 2012! Congratulations Kelly, Donny and big brother Corbin! Sending you love and prayers the rest of the way.

We welcomed our newest precious baby niece into the world this past Saturday (July 2nd). It was truly one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing. Jenny had the natural birth she desired and she & Kynlee are doing great. We are all so in love with her already!I was there taking pictures the whole time, but instead of telling the whole story over again, you can read it and see all of the pictures on my birth photography site. What most people don't know is that I lost my baby the same day. And now after experiencing both a D&C and natural miscarriage, I can truly say with all my heart that letting it happen naturally was the best thing for me.

I started spotting the weekend before, so I knew the process was starting, but obviously had no idea when it would actually happen. Last Friday at work, things got worst and I was in a lot of pain. I took 4 advil when I got home and that really helped, so we kept our plans to meet Jenny & Dan for dinner. We had a nice dinner and then 2 hours later got the call from Jenny saying her water broke. I had been trying to prepare myself as best as I could for this time because I knew it was going to be super hard emotionally to be at her birth. So the whole time Donny and I were getting ready to head over to Jenny's house, I was praying for strength. I was also praying that God would stop all of my physical symptoms for the night. And thankfully He did.

For the most part I was fine all night long, but it started getting really hard to hold it together when she began pushing. Not only just because I was sad for me - birth is an emotional experience no matter what - and that was my sister in pain and my niece that was about to be born! So as soon as I could leave the room for a few minutes, I rushed down to the waiting room to see Donny. And I lost it...big time.

As we were having our moment, my body suddenly began cramping & bleeding badly. I went back to the delivery room to get my advil and take pictures of Kynlee getting weighed and measured. I was able to snap a few pictures right before I was doubled over with a strong contraction. I ran to the bathroom and passed my baby right then and there. I was so overtaken with grief that all I could do was sob uncontrollably.

Nobody else in the room had any idea what was going on, but Donny's mom must have heard me because she was the first to come check on me. I told her what was happening and asked her to get Donny from the waiting room. Then all of a sudden Jenny's nurse was there comforting me and making sure I didn't pass out. A few seconds later, my doctor (who also happens to be Jenny's doctor who just delivered Kynlee) came in to check on me. Then a few seconds after that, Donny was there. The nurse left and it was just Donny, my doctor and I crammed in that tiny delivery room bathroom. Thankfully my doctor was able to save the baby so we can bury it.

After I was finally able to walk out of the bathroom, they put me in a room down the hall so I didn't have to face all of the people that were now in the delivery room to see Kynlee for the first time. Donny's parents, the nurse, and my doctor all came to check on us which was really nice. There were so many emotions running through me...of course extreme sadness & grief, but I was also so embarrassed that this happened in front of everyone, and I felt extremely bad for taking away from all of the happiness & joy that everyone was supposed to be experiencing. Obviously I couldn't help what happened, and I know everyone understood that...I just still feel terrible.

Obviously the grief is still very fresh. The nights are hard, but I feel like we are holding it together pretty well otherwise. What else can we really do? There are days when I want to stay in bed and cry all day, but that doesn't do anyone any good. Even though this whole experience was traumatic, I wouldn't choose to do a D&C again. This gave me the time I needed to try and process what was going to happen before it did and will eventually allow me the closure I need.

I am still trying to wrap my brain around the timing of it all, though. I know in my heart that God's timing is perfect, but it was far from how I would have chosen to pass my baby! My sister gives birth to a beautiful new life and then literally 10 minutes later I pass my baby in the same room. Totally crazy! I have to trust that someday - who knows how soon - God will reveal his plan through all of this. For now that is what I'm holding onto. This whole experience just makes Kynlee extra special to us...