an open letter to my vagina.

in honor of V-WEEK (falls near valentine's day)

 i'd like to post my own monologued letter to my vagina 

due to my birth experience.

some of you know that i was in the vagina monologues senior year of college. 
i performed the monologue 'reclaiming cunt'
i did a gospel style song of the monologue reclaiming the word cunt-
 making it stand for something positive. 
the whole experience was truly empowering.


for all of you that haven't seen the show, just see it.




dear vagina,

this may come as a shock to you, but i'm still a little mad at you.

i thought writing stella's birth story would help me get out my anger- 
and don't get me wrong. it did. 

but it was my therapeutic band aid.

some of that anger stuck around and lingered.

i was thinking about the birth last week while i was in the shower 

(i tend to do most my thinking there or before bed, quite annoying actually...) 

and i realized that every time i think about the faulty performance i get pissed.

so i stop thinking about it.

but one day i will want to have another child and not feel pissed as hell.

so in order to get over that hurdle, i need to let you know 

that you are a jerk.

i know it's not completely your fault; my damn pubic bone and you ganged up on me.

assholes.

and maybe it was more that bone's fault than you, but sorry you are the easy target.

and maybe stella's poor positioning is to blame, but she was a fetus for god's sake.

you two were supposed to get her to exit without being posterior

and if she was posterior, you were supposed to be good enough, 
and well enough equipped to let her out.

naturally.

i can't help it. i feel like you jipped me. 
there are many other reasons that i could feel jipped in birth 
and i'm glad i'm not monologuing here about a C, but i'm still feeling a little jipped-
after all i did to prepare you for your marathon and you still f'd up.

what the hell is wrong with you?

i'd like not to be pissed at you, but i am. 

you are just going to have to deal with being my scapegoat until i get fully over this.

i'm like the 'angry vagina' in the vagina monologues, 
"fed up" as they say...

you actually got off easy (no pun intended), barely even a tear and the normal crap

but i'm still mad that you, ms. vagina, make me think i can't do it on my own now,

you, you little asshole. make me feel like damaged goods.

you know what i have to say to you?

&*^% off.

i've been nothing but good to you.

sometimes i am mad at my genetics.

sometimes mad that i mated with someone tall.

sometimes i just hate my vagina for being a %^$# up.

childish?

maybe.

selfish?

maybe.

i'd like to forgive you.

i'd like to move on and not sort of hate you.

i'd like to not think of you as a &^%$ up anymore.

one thing is for sure:

i still wouldn't trade my baby girl for another experience, 

but that doesn't mean i don't have the right to be mad about it.

looking down at her smile makes it easier to forgive you

(be thankful for that...)

but, i most certainly don't think i will forget what you 

and mister pubic bone did to gang up on me.

i'm hoping you can take this to heart and get your act together for next time.

[god willing if there is a next time.]

now it's out there and you have time to ingest what i wrote to you.

take it all in and make some adjustments.

i know i can be argumentative, and feisty, BUT please note:

i'd really like to not have to get in another fight with you again.

i would think you'd like that too.




i'm looking forward to reclaiming you in another monologue
and i hope that it's soon.

regards,

stella's momma

[i'm sure other women have had worse and scarier experiences. i am not saying that mine was the worst or most traumatic of them all, but it is mine. and i own the right to still be mad now and then without having to compare mine to someone else's tale. if that were the case i'd never heal, but someone always has it worse. writing is therapeutic. duh.]