the expectation eruption

ok.
so if i'm being honest here i'll admit that mister john and i fight.
surprised?! ha, probably not.
but within the blogosphere it seems like it's all roses with most folks.

i'm usually refreshed to hear about other people's disagreements and ups and downs, but i also know that sometimes it's a little too personal. no judgement, fair enough. 

so i'm here to tell you it's not all roses.
this space is certainly a spot i like to post about the rosy moments (although lately it's only when i have the time...), but i want to touch on the not so rosy moments.

mister john and i have had some large changes in the last couple years. we got married, start new jobs, bought a house, got pregnant, have this baby and now we, what? breathe? go on as if nothings changed?

naturally change can create stress. believe it or not i thrive on change. i know, the girl with issues thrives on change. (well, at least i used to). even with changes, i find myself with heightened stress and anxiety without even knowing it. it sort of creeps in there and then sometimes blows up. tears, yells, irritation. it just seeps in uninvited.

with all this change, i found myself lacking the communication i once had (or thought i once had). by all means, folks, do i consider myself a good communicator with my mister. i can write out my feelings. i can express them beautifully after the fact. i can vent properly to other people and sound calm, cool and rational, but when it comes to my sweet, i'm not to sweet.

here i am raising a child, loving and caring for this little being every moment, keeping our house (inside) clean and organized (issues remember?), constantly looking for ways to "keep it simple," attempting to carry on with friends and hobbies (ie: note my lack of entries lately.......), staying in shape, working 20-30 hours, what feels like chasing my tail and feeling under appreciated.

poor me.

but is it really poor me when i didn't thank my mister for all he does? poor me when i didn't ask for help? poor me when i assume he doesn't want to do something because he didn't ask? poor me when i carry around quiet expectations for my partner and board up resentment because he's not meeting the expectations i never bothered to tell him about?

soak that one up.

and then the eruption.

a conversation or a question leads to full fledged argument. pent up resentment explodes all over the room. all the irksome moments i've/we've been holding onto, waiting for that right moment to bring up (or disappear) bounce off the walls. voices rise. we retreat and it's once again quiet.

unfortunately arguing, imo, is inevitable in a relationship. especially a close one. it's during that retreat that i realize how much my heart truly hurts when we act this way even amidst the anger. it's during the quiet i realize how we both are guilty of communication errors often leading with the unwritten, unsaid expectations and how we both hunger for affirmations or other love language. 

expectations, friends, are dangerous. how can we expect anyone to do something if they don't know we expect it? a friend of mine, tarry gave me a book for a pre wedding gift and i picked it up during "the quiet" and started reading where i left the bookmark. ironically the chapter read "EXPECT LESS, GET MORE"

ha. clearly, i read on.
a little excerpt:
"expect less, get more. this means that the fewer unrealistic expectations you have of your marriage and spouse, the more happiness both of you will experience.

i'm not going to sit here and re-print the chapter, but i will say how handy it was to read this after an emotion-filled eruption. i felt motivated to work on what needs to be worked on. it's a valuable lesson to remain spouses after becoming parents. juggling a new title, but not forgetting the old.

i don't anticipate this being the end-all-be-all of answers, but perhaps it's a step in the right direction to decrease the eruptions and increase the affirmations.