there i said it.

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I NEED SLEEP.
I've been trying to be positive for 9+ months here.
I'm not mad, just tired.

Right now, I'm feeling ok, but I have moments where I realize, yes, I, in fact, need more sleep to function properly. For example this morning while jogging with bird I reached for the turn signal on the stroller while rounding a bend. No, this is not a made up tale. I really did it. I came to the conclusion that although I am still functioning quite well on torn sleep (don't get me wrong we are worlds better than before) I still do "special" things such as this.



I can remember this being the breaking point for my sister as well. It was around Christmas time making her oldest 8.5 months at the time....

I remember writing how tired I was prior when I would forget to shave a knee or say things that don't make sense, but Im feeling the exhaustion on a whole new level. If you include the last few months of pregnancy I guess I haven't slept consistently through the night for more than a week in 11 months. (How's that for birth control for you). I don't even know if my body has enough juice in it to conceive a child right now anyway...
NOT that I am trying.
I vow to not have another child until my eldest, my darling little bird, who I love dearly sleeps consistently through the night.

I'm not talking 8-10 hours here. Ideally I need 7 hours of sleep in a row (which is history), but I would gladly accept bed by 10:30p and up at 430a daily if it were consistent. 6 hours and up before the sun comes up. fine. I DONT REALLY CARE. I'm just longing for some consistency.



We do the cry it out in the middle of the night and yes, she does go back to sleep on her own after 15-20 minutes or so, but when bird wakes up so does moma in the room next door. That's still not a good night's sleep when I am up for 15-20 minutes almost every night 1-2x figuring out whether she is going  to sleep on her own. Yes, it could be worse.

I still remember the nights when Stella was getting up every 2-3 hours like a wee thing, but I wasn't coming off of 8 months prior of jaxed sleep. I knew I would get through it and on maternity I could sleep in and felt like it was manageable. Going to work and losing things and not remember what I said a moment ago is not grand in the professional world.

Bird is just all over the place. Today I am actually not tired, yesterday yes. I have off and on breaking points and perhaps this is just motherhood.

My one consolation, that helps me through is holding her close and having her soft skin near me and her tired little head on my shoulder or in my arms. I know these days are few in the scheme of things and I will, in fact, miss them. So when I do get frustrated I try to enjoy the embrace of my daughter because in what will feel like a blink she may not want to snuggle with dear old moma.

And...
It may be teeth, I know....
It's not her fault, again I'm not mad, just frustrated.
My teeth don't hurt so I can't blame her.
but my eyes do. 







Comments

mel said…
yes.
14/9/12
Auntie Sandy said…
She is so precious. Glad that helps, at least! xoxoxozzzz
15/9/12
Ma Mom said…
We got to get the dark out curtains up. She likes your dark room.
16/9/12
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