musings on stella's entry.
i read this post a while ago and kept it dog-eared because of one line:
"it's a funny thing about labor. you never know what you might get and i believe it's not entirely up to us how our baby will come into this world. after all, it is not only our journey, but that of our little one as well. the first steps they will take on their own personal life path."
as 1 year quietly and rapidly approaches stella's birth date
it's also a reminder of all those hated feelings of the birth.
i'm not talking physically here. pish, posh. it was hard, duh.
but the real toughness comes in accepting her entry in the exact opposite way i envisioned.
commotion. whisked away. not feeling overjoyed with love. frustration. wanting to go HOME!
after i read that post, aside from this blogger's story going much more beautifully than mine (ie: "my heart swells and i feel a physical change come over me when i think back to the first few minutes, hours, days together after elodie's birth. how blissed out i was.") i realize we are here to learn things..... stella chose us for a reason and chose to enter the physical world her way. perhaps to teach me a little something about control. or patience. or self acceptance. or the demon of perfectionism.
whatever the reason, i'm still soaking it up, but the older she gets the easier it gets because i don't think of her of that little, helpless creature.
taking the perspective that my child(ren)'s birth is not my journey helps ease the simmering smolder of my personal birth frustration. it's someone else's journey and i am a character in her story, a tool in her entry, just as she is a part of mine. now this is not to say i don't advocate for owning your own pregnancy, labor and birth. if i didn't prepare the way i did for my labor and birth all throughout my pregnancy i would not have been able to a) choose my support team b) utilize them and c) rock out my labor. i can smile when i think of my labor. and i'm happy to report i can look at the after birth pictures (not to be confused with birthing the placenta haha) and smile. oh, how she's grown.
stella is such a joy and i love her more than words can type, but it wasn't those blissful feelings that people talk about. [don't be mad, but...] i used to cringe when people talked about how perfect the birth went and coming home with ease and only joy. what? lies, i'd think. they clearly don't want to be honest about their real life with a newborn. there's just no way. Or i'm just really unlucky.
sure i loved my daughter from the moment she was placed on me. there is no way to describe how much you love a child; it's this innate feeling that causes you to fend and care for this being. no.matter.what. i wasn't so in love with my new family- ironically it was one of my loneliest times. luckily it's a haze, looking back.
i felt more distant to my husband than ever before.
i had to carry that with me on top of caring for a newborn.
on top of being completely and utterly sleep deprived and recovering from my frontal & exterior regions being ridiculously sore from hours & hours of pushing due to my abnormally low pubic bone.
oh yea, and then there was thanksgiving and christmas.
and changes in hormones.
and the learning curve of breastfeeding (lucky to have had support!) and wondering when the jenna jameson look would calm down.
i certainly don't wish new parents to have hurdles in the transition to becoming a new family. it's almost looked down upon to talk about becoming a new parent in a negative way. it's a huge blessing, that goes without question, but i always felt like i couldn't talk honestly about how i wasn't as in love with this child as i thought i should be. so many people would ask me "are you so in love?" or "is it just the best?"
...and while my child is the best gift i have received to date and yes i am so in love (now more than ever!!), i didn't feel those overwhelming, blissed out feelings that everyone inquires about right away. ...and it felt wrong to answer anything else but Yes.
i wish all new parents bliss, but if you don't feel it. it's ok.
you'll never have to tell me Yes. unless it's the truth.
and for me, i do believe my mindset will be better when prepping for a number 2 (some day... not now) by accepting it's not just my journey. that spoke to me.
"it's a funny thing about labor. you never know what you might get and i believe it's not entirely up to us how our baby will come into this world. after all, it is not only our journey, but that of our little one as well. the first steps they will take on their own personal life path."
as 1 year quietly and rapidly approaches stella's birth date
it's also a reminder of all those hated feelings of the birth.
i'm not talking physically here. pish, posh. it was hard, duh.
but the real toughness comes in accepting her entry in the exact opposite way i envisioned.
commotion. whisked away. not feeling overjoyed with love. frustration. wanting to go HOME!
after i read that post, aside from this blogger's story going much more beautifully than mine (ie: "my heart swells and i feel a physical change come over me when i think back to the first few minutes, hours, days together after elodie's birth. how blissed out i was.") i realize we are here to learn things..... stella chose us for a reason and chose to enter the physical world her way. perhaps to teach me a little something about control. or patience. or self acceptance. or the demon of perfectionism.
whatever the reason, i'm still soaking it up, but the older she gets the easier it gets because i don't think of her of that little, helpless creature.
taking the perspective that my child(ren)'s birth is not my journey helps ease the simmering smolder of my personal birth frustration. it's someone else's journey and i am a character in her story, a tool in her entry, just as she is a part of mine. now this is not to say i don't advocate for owning your own pregnancy, labor and birth. if i didn't prepare the way i did for my labor and birth all throughout my pregnancy i would not have been able to a) choose my support team b) utilize them and c) rock out my labor. i can smile when i think of my labor. and i'm happy to report i can look at the after birth pictures (not to be confused with birthing the placenta haha) and smile. oh, how she's grown.
stella is such a joy and i love her more than words can type, but it wasn't those blissful feelings that people talk about. [don't be mad, but...] i used to cringe when people talked about how perfect the birth went and coming home with ease and only joy. what? lies, i'd think. they clearly don't want to be honest about their real life with a newborn. there's just no way. Or i'm just really unlucky.
sure i loved my daughter from the moment she was placed on me. there is no way to describe how much you love a child; it's this innate feeling that causes you to fend and care for this being. no.matter.what. i wasn't so in love with my new family- ironically it was one of my loneliest times. luckily it's a haze, looking back.
i felt more distant to my husband than ever before.
i had to carry that with me on top of caring for a newborn.
on top of being completely and utterly sleep deprived and recovering from my frontal & exterior regions being ridiculously sore from hours & hours of pushing due to my abnormally low pubic bone.
oh yea, and then there was thanksgiving and christmas.
and changes in hormones.
and the learning curve of breastfeeding (lucky to have had support!) and wondering when the jenna jameson look would calm down.
i certainly don't wish new parents to have hurdles in the transition to becoming a new family. it's almost looked down upon to talk about becoming a new parent in a negative way. it's a huge blessing, that goes without question, but i always felt like i couldn't talk honestly about how i wasn't as in love with this child as i thought i should be. so many people would ask me "are you so in love?" or "is it just the best?"
...and while my child is the best gift i have received to date and yes i am so in love (now more than ever!!), i didn't feel those overwhelming, blissed out feelings that everyone inquires about right away. ...and it felt wrong to answer anything else but Yes.
i wish all new parents bliss, but if you don't feel it. it's ok.
you'll never have to tell me Yes. unless it's the truth.
and for me, i do believe my mindset will be better when prepping for a number 2 (some day... not now) by accepting it's not just my journey. that spoke to me.
Comments