the mythical babymoon.

i started a similar post quite some time ago and never followed up. after months of chatting and reading about new motherhood i felt the urge to finish it. 

when i was pregnant i knew my baby was safe.

i was doing all i could to protect this little being and i consider myself an all around healthy person. i looked forward to the day i would meet my child and then we would be this family and life would be right. right? ok, i'm not that naive and i don't think most mothers are. at all. my intent is not to ruin a parental experience or scare any parents to be either. my reason for writing and reflecting is to share my experience on that whole 'babymoon' thing-a-ma-jig and let folks know that it's not all roses. there are definitely roses- really, really beautiful rosey moments that make up for the what-am-i-doing-who-am-i-is-this-baby-okay kind of moments. 

parenthood is, by far the hardest job out there. i mean, every hour of every day we pretty much do our best to help shape a life, not to mention sustain a life those first wee months. so as i write this know that it will be hard. and those of you that say it's not hard, i don't believe you. IMO, labor and birth were a breeze compared to those first couple months.

after stella was born it was hard. right away, it was hard. i hadn't had a chance to fully process her birth until months passed because i was in a constant focus on learning every aspect of this new transition. i had this little person that i instantly loved, but i didn't feel that immense wave of 'i adore you' right away like most mothers describe. my heart went into instant motherly instinct mode, but i didn't feel that high that everyone described and there was a part of me that felt guilty for that. (apparently moma guilt can start day 1 ha!) my labor was long by some standards, but actually very much normal for a first time, natural laboring moma. normal or not, it was tiring.  

by the time stella arrived i wanted to hold her, but i felt nasty and i cannot tell you how much i hated not being able to move and care for her as i would have liked. i shit my pants twice due to the epidural on top of being sore. it was a real blast afterwards haha. i laughed at the time and i laugh now, but that coupled with feeding an infant and being exhausted was an interesting and overwhelming scene.

but aside from the initial post birth recovery that everyone goes through, i found having an infant hard. i was always good with little people and knew i would make a good mother, but for some reason when i had my own baby i thought i could always make things better. false. sometimes the baby cries and it's a guessing game. sometimes baby makes these weird little noises where it sounds as if she is choking, but it's the newness of learning to breath real air. sometimes exhaustion sets in and nothing seems to make sense.

along with the guessing game comes nursing. i wouldn't trade it for the world. it's been an amazing experience. it's free, healthy for moma and baby, no prep or travel prep and one day a light goes off and you call it easy! well, it wasn't easy those first couple of weeks. my milk came in two days post partum and i was questioning my jenna jamison look. this can't be right or real? who's boobs are these? and are my boobs going to explode? will she bite off a piece of my nipple? she fell asleep again-crap. do i wake her to nurse again? is she lazy? is she full? does she not like my boobs? why does this hurt? learning to breastfeed was a challenge in itself. our culture doesn't really bfeed in public so it's not a "learned" behavior. (what a shame!) thankfully, i had amazing support at my fingertips. literally, i would call, text, email and someone would be willing to help assist.

i would cry for no reason those first 2 weeks (at least i think it was only the first two weeks ha!) i remember 4 or 5 days out sitting in bird's room, rocking her, holding her so tight and bawling my eyes out. for.no.apparent.reason. how annoying? thanks hormones for being an absolute dick. as if i didn't feel overwhelmed enough with newness of this role, now you have to go and make me an overly-emotional-feeling-wreck. 

i struggled with going slow. i had my midwives remind me at every check to slow the heck down and stop doing things. i am an on the go type of person. i like to move fast. i like to do things fast and 'get things done'. i like to explore. i like to take time for me. i like to care for my family. so telling me to slow down wasn't really registering in my vocabulary. all of the sudden i couldn't do these things. 

i was happy with my little gal, but felt a little void. chalk that up to sacrifice number 138462 as a parent right hah!? i was supposed to sleep when the baby sleeps, right? well i never was a napper and felt i had to make sure the house was in order when it was nap time. i found it hard to concentrate or felt guilty napping when john was at work acclimating to work on minimal sleep too. taking time for me wasn't really an option. i felt guilty not being with her. the best thing that happened to me was getting the 'ok' to exercise at 6 weeks. thank you dr bowen. that same day i put on my running shoes and very slowly jogged around my neighborhood without my baby. i'd been out without her a handful of times for 1 hour or less coordinating around her feeding schedule, but it was a freeing feeling being alone, but also all together weird. but, it was a positive step in the right direction (both figuratively and literally).

then there was the whole transition from a 2 to 3 people family. this might have been the hardest for me/us. i'd heard that having a baby makes you closer as a couple. well, ha, let me share a little secret: not always. i had never felt more distant from my husband. i had expectations of what he'd be like as dad and felt very alone. the two of us were walking through this haze of parenthood or uh, the so-called babymoon together, but very much separate. there were ways i could bond with this little person much more-so than he could. i felt i had to overcompensate. i wanted him to hold her as much as i did so if he wasn't holding her i would hold her. this brought on much back pain, some resentment and much baby wearing (which i LOVE). hello, multi tasking! i struggled being a wife and mother simultaneously. 

i have to admit i was a little embarrassed to share some of these and perhaps that's why i never finished this post. i'm not a perfect moma. i'm not a perfect wife. these were my initial struggles. i don't wish struggles upon any newbie, but if you read this later, know you aren't alone. and it's ok. the great news is that unless i truly reflect back i forgot how hard it was (is that a good thing haha). every aspect got easier and we somehow got in this little groove. 

like anything else, it takes patience and practice. three cheers for all the momas out there! we are all in this together. it's the job of a lifetime.