hurdles [a healthy balance]

my blog still continues to sit with unfinished drafts that i hope to finish if i still carry the inspiration to write on that topic and i do my best to find my little balance with this space. lately, i've read three different blog posts on topics which i have drafted on, but never finished. sigh.

the last post i drafted on happened to be a little before i read this post on a friend's bloggity blog. so instead of letting my draft sit, i'm going to let my post become like a reply since it segways in nicely. you see, i often get frustrated with myself for not finishing them and then i read someone elses and feel like i'm copying or it's old news, even though it's already started. i know, i know, it's silly and that's not what writing is about. but truthfully, while i'm working i can't keep up like i'd like and that's just the fact of the matter. nothing to lose sleep over of course.

anyway...

in lindsay's post, she asks: "What is your ideal mama / working scenario? If you work, was going back to your job hard? No matter how you spend your days, all of us mama's are awesome and should be supportive of everyone's decisions"

every parent, er person rather, is probably striving for some sort of balance in their life, right? i certainly go back and forth with what feels best, and the truth is that you only know what you know. i had to return to work at 12 weeks for financial reasons. i never was one that really wanted to be the career woman (although all of my friends pushed for me to become a famous singer... maybe in another life right?!); i wanted to stay home with the kids, but also have hobbies that defined me outside of my child(ren).

i can say this: i was NOT ready to return to work at 8 weeks. i felt okay about returning to work at 12 weeks because i knew i had to and was mentally preparing for the couple weeks prior. some women i know were ready at 6 weeks and some 6 months and some never quite ready. i do believe that you become ready to some degree (within reason) if you have to return to work. 

the good news is that while i was nervous to go back to work and wasn't sure i wanted to be a working moma, i think it was the healthiest thing for me, personally. i pretty much did the majority of care for bird and was more worrisome if someone else was watching her. i would get anxious. going back to work reassured me that other people could care for her very well; she was fed, has 1v1 attention and i don't have to worry about if someone didn't clean out her diaper enough or if she has enough sunscreen on. she also has amazing relationships with her grandparents because of this (yes, we are truly blessed to have grandparent caregivers). 

right now i am working 30 hours a week with one day off with my birdie. it's a great gig and very flexible and above all that i do like what i do (and i think i'm at least, pretty good at it too). it's rewarding and i get to use my brain in a different way. i'm not using my 'moma brain' 24/7 and feel i am challenging myself in ways outside of parenthood. my ideal sitch would be right around the middle ground (20 working/20 home). i have these as summer hours and it feels very balanced as a parent, as a professional and personally. i felt i can "(wo)man the house", QT with my kid, catch up on hobby time and still have some outside engagement sans child while making some money. so far, that's how i feel the most balanced. (i'm not sure what a 2nd baby does to this feeling of balance).

if you asked me prior to returning to work what my ideal situation would be, it likely would have been something different - like HOME haha! it again, comes back to 'you only know what you know!' i bet a lot of stay at home moms say they'd never change a thing while some working moms couldn't imagine being home, but may love it. i think support and flexibility create a thriving environment for working momas. it certainly made adapting much easier for me. 

being a working moma isn't always easy and there's of course, some moma guilt. BUT, wait a minute, i think the same goes for being a stay at home moma too; at time's it's harder being home than at work and i'm sure there's still moma guilt that surfaces from time to time. some days i don't want to leave her and other days i kick ass at work and it feels so good! 

finding this balance is unique to the individual woman (and heck, man too... but more prone to women). whatever makes you feel the most balanced as a whole person, not just a parent is probably what's right for you. 

...now if only someone could help me finish all my drafts "on time" with a toddler, my balance would be solved!

  

P.S. my brain power is shot in the evening.

and coming home to this sweet face after work makes me love and appreciate her even more!