a little on loss

-
I've been truly blessed to have had all my grandparents for 30 years of my life.
Today my first grandparent shed his body and entered into the next phase of his spiritual life. While I know he's so very at peace and I'm so happy for him that he's experiencing the bliss of afterlife I'll still miss him.
 
My dad, my grandma and uncle were there to send him off to new life and comfort him during his last earthly breaths. It sounded like it was peaceful transfer and that is what he wanted. He was able to die at home, in bed surrounded by some loved ones. Grandpa told me a number of times "Caren, ah, it's hell to get old." as he talked through his frustrations of his declining health.
 
For the last year and half he's been up and down with some major health issues, so I've had time to mentally prepare for the day I would "lose" him. But, no matter how much I prepare for the inevitable, it still hurts. I still cried (I might not be done) and I'll still miss him.
 
I think it's safe to say I was the closest grandchild to grandpa. Not in a conceited sort of way, but we had a certain unspoken bond. I could always see a smirk on his face when he'd notice I wouldn't take any crap from anyone. He picked me up from high school countless times and he'd tell my dad I reminded him of his mother, walking out of the school building with confidence and my head up. (I forget the Italian word he used for it). The two of us (sometimes three of us, if grandma joined) would ride a few miles chatting about nothing and listening to the classics or showtunes on the radio station.
 
There's something that hurts about it being official.
The fact that he won't physically be in his house anymore or the fact that I won't be kissing his bald head anymore... or hearing him over emphasize my name in Italian "Care-eeeeen-aaah" ...
 
What's comforting is that memories hold strong and the stories my dad tells about Grandpa's temper and his candid comments always have me falling off my chair. The memories don't die and the spirit doesn't die. I know, right now, he's aware that I'm writing this and knows my thoughts. I know I can call on him whenever I want without dialing a number. It's just up to me to listen a little more clearly...
 
I'm so happy for you Grandpa. I'm so happy that you aren't in pain and that you are wherever you want to be. I'm so happy that you'll always be with me, but I'm going to miss you. You've been a rock solid guy and grandpa, lived a life of sacrifice for your family and for the 30 years I've been with you, I watched you mellow out through the years.
 
I love you, Gramps













a song that makes me think of you...





Comments

Beth said…
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope the memories will be a comfort in this time.
16/8/13
Ma Mom said…
Pop was one sweet guy. Caren, you have been blessed with grandparents as was I. Families are so precious and it has been a privilege to have pop as my second dad. I learned a lot from watching him accept declining health. I will learn a lot from him in his part two.
Love you Pop
16/8/13
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

the story of stella.

-
Image
it's been really hard to sit down and write this. not just because i keep falling asleep or stella needs to nurse... sure that is a part of it, but, there is a vulnerable part to writing this birth story that i have been having a hard time wrapping my head around. i'm an open book and this post will be a piece of that open book, but know that i still am sifting through some anger that things didn't go as "planned" even though for 10 months i mentally prepared for all possible outcomes and knowing the plan may not happen.  ...and per usual i didn't hold back on details. if you can't handle it, sorry. this is birth. INTRO: it was most important for me to bring our child into the world in the most organic way possible. after lots of research, resources and conversations we decided the best route to do this would be a home birth. we chose our midwife, found an amazing doula , and i received back up care the entire pregnancy from 2 obgyn's that i c
Read more

waiting for our arrival

-
over and over again, this theme rolls onward  in my life right now. i feel aligned, mostly positive, gracious and overall pretty happy.  there's been multiple times i wanted to sit and write this piece, but then there's this part of me that says "but what if things didn't work out as you said?" "what if you go broke?" "people will think you are tooting your own horn..."  but, honestly why do i care? this is me and if people get something from it, great. if not, also, great. same reason for me not going to use capital letters here... because i don't feel like it. like it or don't. negative self talk is so self deprecating. we wouldn't let someone talk to us like that, but we let ourselves talk us out of EVERYTHING! this is a little tale and peek into our life.  over a year ago john left his comfortable job with good benefits (no, really the best benefits there are, kind of benefits). he could do this job with his eyes closed,
Read more

what i have learned my baby's first month

-
i have a guest post coming about lessons learned in a baby's first year and i started tracking what i was learning because every day seemed like a new lesson. i'm certain this will grow. i have learned: 1. how much more laundry a little makes (not including cloth diapers).  our water bill coming must be astronomical. 2. it's not easy to be the same wife you once were while tending to a little.  our love may be stronger, but it takes more effort. 3. projectile vomiting is common among ferocious eating newborns. 4. large breasts are completely overrated. 5. how much you will melt looking at your husband with his daughter. 6. i'm not sure i can fathom someone else taking care of my child even if it's family. 7. that cheering over and congratulating large burps is a common occurrence. 8. that my driving has tremendously improved (and everyone else has become worse). 9. how fast the days go by because  a) we nap b) there is always something (everything) that ne
Read more