specs for stella

this is not meant to be any type of sob story or martyr post. let's just get that out in the open.

about a month ago stella started to squint one eye or cover that same eye. I initially thought she was being quirky (a trait carried heavily by her mother) and let it be. then her grandparents and complete strangers were noticing it so away we went to get the pediavision test the next day. I was hoping for quirkiness, but I left with a referral paper and no real answers since they weren't specialists.

and once something is deemed an issue it's much more noticeable. john and I were thinking "is she having headaches?" "can she see ok?" "does this correlate to her clumsiness or is that just toddler play?" while I didn't lose any sleep over this (although my dad might have), it still left an uneasy feeling in my stomach until we get our answers and plan of attack.

based on my "research" and her symptoms, I was hoping today would leave me with "here's a patch. keep it on for X amount of hours. come back in X amount of weeks and if you do a good job she's good to go." while her situation is (I think) likely correctable since she's so young it still left me feeling overwhelmed.

stella was great with all the tests. those pediatric ophthalmologists know how to make a kid friendly office and so many tricks to get kiddos to cooperate. I was highly impressed. between Duane's Retraction Syndrome and a high chance of Esotropia or Amblyopia (google it yourself if you care, it's not life threatening) and farsightedness it was information overload. Thank Christ my mom came with me because between processing this and large words and having no background with any vision or muscular eye issues I was feeling somewhat helpless at that point.

so what next? we will be patching for a portion of the day along with getting bird some little specs to sport. this brings follow up visits of course and large chance of surgery once the first step is corrected. sigh. while all of this is overwhelming I'm trying to figure out how in the world am I going to get a 2.5 year old to wear glasses and a patch?? she's not stubborn at all. (insert heavy sarcasm). the outcome is supposedly pretty good if treated properly: aka the child wears the patch and the glasses for the allotted amount.

and through all of this still a part of me is busy projecting (though I should know better too esp. after JUST reading and agreeing with this. see number 5).
I know kids (and adults ooops!) are can be mean and I already worry about people picking on the "red head" because she's different.  then later, (among other things) her failing to take care of her beautiful snow white skin because it's deemed cool to be a baked color (thanks coco chanel, you asshole). [you can research the irony on your own as I digress ever so slightly here]. my point here is that while I want my child to be unique (I didn't pray for sleep {I wish I could renig on this one}, beauty {come on you all know some people are vain enough to do it}, or even health {i had a positive attitude on this one}, but I wanted a child with spunk. While my wish has been granted haha, i (like most parents) want their child to be accepted and embraced.

i know, stop projecting already...
so while i have my work cut out for me keeping eye wear on a bull-headed toddler, i'm also am juggling the fact that she will be different. and I'm actually irritated that i even think this way right now. while i want her to be different and beat to her own drum, it's also frightening. because well, people are mean and people like to go with the crowd, because the crowd is comfortable.

and, while I'm processing all this in my head right now, i know she will be fine. or ok. or even good. or most likely and hopefully, better after all this. i also have a new found appreciation for parents of children with special needs (or whatever the politically correct term is for that these days as I know it keeps changing. I'm trying not to offend anyone).

i don't know if eye disorders are even considered special needs and i certainly don't want to get into labeling, but i got a very small taste. every parent wants their child to be perfect. i'm talking in the strive-for-perfection-and-don't-fail way, but the not-wanting-any-health-imperfections sort of way. while i was checking out and paying the neat bill after the appointment i started to well up with tears. [yes, i was that mom. it's amazing how you go into something and think 'i got this' then all of the sudden lose it]. i was kicking myself on the inside for not getting the pediavision test sooner and taking her in for a "lazy eye" and my head hurt from trying to understand some medical jargon (i needed an ophthalmology doula). i had that gulp in the throat, the one where you want to bust into tears and don't even know the complete reason.

I've always felt empathetic towards people's scenario's, but today I found myself in a similar (only slightly) position and until you walk a mile... well i don't think we know.

so yea, like i said, this doesn't even come close to life threatening, but just a little curve ball. however i am asking for prayers of patience. i think our greatest challenge right now is getting a little bird to understand the importance of cooperation. here's to round one! and if you see a mother (or dad or grandparent) at the park or out and about with a matching eye patch it may be us! if it keeps my child's patch and glasses on i'll look like a pirate every day of the week!