ana frances
dear ana,
happy almost 1 week!
i started to question you being a boy again those last 3 weeks. your older sister kept insisting that baby brother was coming and he was in my belly. it made for an interesting last week and labor as i fully felt like even if you were going to be a girl, it'd be a surprise. i really didn't care what your parts were, i felt excited and nervous.
on the night before you were born your sister knew you were coming. all afternoon and evening she kept saying to daddy and i "i need a hug" or "i want a hug mommy." she mentioned that evening that she "didn't want to see baby sister." daddy and i insisted she sensed something coming very soon. that night she wanted an extra long hug and made me hug her through canon in D on pandora (which i have to say has been a 'sign' to me all pregnancy). stella proceeded to have me sleep with Minnie, her lovey as well.
between all of that and the amount of pressure on my bladder the last week or so i kept thinking there's no way i will make it another 2 weeks becoming "overdue" or whatever. i just didn't think my body could carry you much longer.
and i was right. and stella was right.
looking back on that tuesday afternoon, i went to the grocery store and might have had some mild, mild contractions through the store, but since it had been so pressure-filled lately i didn't really think anything of it and why get my hopes up...
before bed that night i joked to daddy about him giving me acupressure to get things started. we both sorta brushed it off as we were too tired and he said, this baby is going to come on it's own terms anyway and i agreed. little did i know that an hour later some ctxs would start stirring at around 1130 p.m. They kept coming, but i didn't time them. my midwife had told me to contact her the first ctx since she's an hour away and misses a lot of 2nd births, but also said if i can sleep through them certainly do so. since i was able to snooze in between and through them i didn't jump the gun. i may have peed 30 times that night since it seemed like after every couple of ctx i felt like my bladder may in fact explode. (of course i would go and not that much would actually come out. sweet).
somehow, daddy still got a decent amount of sleep as did stella. at 6:15 i texted my midwife, doula and sister saying i think the baby might come today - mild ctx all night, but haven't timed any. my midwife told me to time some so she has an idea of where i am. i timed about 5 and they were, unbeknownst to me, about 4-5 minutes a part. i was on the bedroom floor at this point on all 4's because it felt better than the bed (and getting in an out of the dang high bed being that pregnant is pretty much under the category of misery).
brenda, my midwife called and said "honey these are about 5 minutes a part, sounds like i should start heading down to you." i, again, worried i was jumping the gun and said i'm managing well so whatever you think. she told me to eat something while i had the energy and time some more. done and done - still 4-5 minutes a part and i told her to go ahead and head down to us.
john noticed i was on the floor and i told him the baby might come today i had mild (or i guess mild) ctx on and off all night and he should sleep until stella got up. she eventually came in and snuggled with daddy after inquiring why i was on the floor like a horsey. i told her i think i will have to push the baby out today.
i stayed upstairs pretty much just rested and labored through these mild, beginning ones for a couple hours. brenda, and her assistant (marybeth) were on the way and john was tending to stella until we needed to call my sister over to take on that role. brenda arrived around 930 a.m. and marybeth very shortly after. even though i was still worried i had called too early bc they had slowed some to 6-10 minutes a part it was such a relief to see them. brenda just brought calm and that's what i wanted even though i felt calm. the 3 of us talked between ctxs and i texted a few people and jacked around on social media to pass the time a little bit. i called my sister around 11 a.m. so john could become more involved if he wanted and stella was in great care all day from your aunt lea. it felt really good to not have to worry about your sister stella. i wanted her close, but i couldn't tend to her needs. when aunt lea came over i brought down a "treat" for stella to play with and that was the last time i went downstairs for 24 hours haha!
i never intended to only labor upstairs and pretty much just the bedroom, but i was in a rhythm, it felt safe, my window was open, it was lightly raining and then it was beautiful. it was a good day to have a baby.
at one point i asked brenda if things were going "ok" ... i knew there was progression, but i still had this need for reassurance that things were progressing and i didn't call them too quick. brenda assured me that she doesn't care where i am because the ctxs are coming regularly and she and i can both see they are increasing in intensity too. she said she guessed 5-6 cm, but again, didn't care about a number at this point. that's all i needed and on i went...
things kept on pace for a while. the ctxs were getting more intense, but i still could, to my disbelief, talk through the breaks and manage them pretty okay during. i kept saying how different this labor was going than your sister's journey. (john likes to describe stella's labor and birth like this: he left for work at 7 a.m. and came back at 11 a.m. and i was incoherent. he kind of was right).
i was trying not to compare, but i was in awe of how things were going. our doula was coming around 1:30 p.m. and as soon as she walked in i hit transition. bam. it was around 2 p.m. and the ctxs were still ok, but the waves of nausea that started to surface maybe an hour before had erupted. i puked. it was terrible, but i knew it was a good sign. i had heard of people puking before transition and i puked with stella as well. i think i'm just one of those people that is really sensitive to hormone releases or something. i knew the ctx were going to be difficult, but this whole pregnancy i remembered how awful puking through ctx were. and, those small moments were awful, but erica (my doula) put my hair up, people holding bowls for me and gave me some mint essential oil... which really helped and that ended just like each ctx before.
for the next 30-40 minutes i think things remained okay, but certainly getting more intense. i didn't want any back counter pressure (which most women like) because i had so much pressure in the front. (yay - anterior!!!!)
i didn't want to be touched or even much talk during the ctx at this point. each position was getting harder and my body was starting to tremble. my arms were tired of holding me and my legs were tired of standing or even kneeling on all 4's which was working for so long. all i wanted to do was lay on my belly, but yea, obviously that didn't happen. we switched me to side lying with my leg propped up a bit. the first couple in this new position were really sucky. i remember saying at some point "nothing feels good." and that's just how it was. ctx were really close and really hard and i was getting tired and hot and all that fun stuff.
my sounds were getting louder, but i don't know how people can not make noises in labor. i envy them, but seriously in order to these i had to make those low kind of moaning sounds in order to push that feeling away and out. i don't know if i voiced or just thought this, but at some points i wondered how much longer i was going to be able to do this and where did my breaks go? every movement was slow motion, but not all that time had passed. around 4:30 ish my water broke during a ctx or 2. i must have started pushing ctxs a little around this time too because my pants were off. it's like everyone just knew by the sounds of what to do and what was coming next. i remember brenda's facial expressions. it's like i knew she thought my ctxs were getting pushier by what her face said.
post water break she felt that little piece of cervix lip that seems to just get in the way. i was not pleased to hear about it as it brought back up some angst about your sister's birth and the LIP, the G.D. Lip getting in the way of her departure. brenda held it back for a little bit and then said this is a dance between mommy and baby to figure out. she told me to try my hardest to not push during a few pushing ctxs. i think i was able to do 2-3, but that pushy feeling takes over your body, telling your whole being to push the baby down and out. to be honest, i'm not sure how or when the "dance" ended, but it did. i kept pushing and it was hard. it was really hard. i did question if i was moving you down enough. like "hi, i'm pushing... are you moving on out, kid?" there were a few times i had visions of worry that this will be a repeat, but i quietly reminded myself what we worked on in my cranial sacral appointment; "Ana knows how to be born."
brenda recommended i push on the toilet. i think i asked how i was supposed to get there haha?! somehow in a blur i made it to the bathroom and pushed more. it remained not comfortable and hard. brenda said she thought the baby was a little acynclitic. not knowing that this would be a "bad" word for me, i started to get teary saying "don't say acynclitic" or something. your sister was posterior, acynclitic so it was a trigger word. i knew you weren't posterior so that made me happy. my doula reminded me that it was a different baby, different birth and your daddy said it's ok to cry. i wasn't sure i could use my energy on tears.
brenda reassured me it's ok and recommended i do the stairs to wiggle that head out of that spot. again, i agreed, but each step took everything from me. we had 3 steps then a landing before the rest of the stairs. let's just say i wasn't going to do any more than those 3. i had major pushing ctxs on these 3 stairs up and down a time or 2. daddy said i sounded primal during pushing haha, but that's what birth is right? we are mammals, not robots right? i didn't care what i sounded like, but i was so happy to be in my home as i think i hospital would have silenced me.
brenda had me feel the head. i did and you were right there so i knew you were close, but i didn't know how close. i had never felt the "pooping out a bowling ball" feeling or the ring of fire before with a previous forced forceps epidural so when i was feeling those sensations i was of course, hating them, but i knew they were good signs. i knew i was getting closer.
my bed and bedroom were made up to have the baby, but there was no way in hell i was walking down the hall back to the bedroom. your little head was crowning and i said "this burns" or something and brenda said "yes honey, it's going to feel this way until you get this head out." i might have taken another stair and i don't even remember exactly what happened, but soon after your head slowly emerged and your body just followed. at 5:37 p.m. on April the 8th, you were here. in my arms and it was crazy. your slippery, red/purple self was hanging out in my arms and i was in disbelief. daddy cried, but i was so mesmerized and thankful for what just happened i didn't know what to think. i sat down on the last stair and held you.
stella told aunt lea "i think baby Ana is here" after hearing her first cry right away. they came up to see "baby sister" and she looked mesmerized and maybe a little confused, but happy. she actually saw the placenta come out after that too although she wasn't too interested. apparently i created a rather large placenta - wide and thick. between an 8 lb 14 oz baby and large placenta no wonder i felt like i were to explode at any moment. (oddly enough i was heavier and larger carrying your sister, but she was smaller as was her placenta). daddy cut the cord (or string as stella puts it), and we started the beginnings of nursing. it wasn't glamorous. i didn't have a pretty labor dress on. i was sweaty. but, it's what i wanted. even if it happened on the stairs...
and that is what happened on the day you were born.
the weather seemed to follow the mood of my labor. it was light rain, it was beautiful and bright, it was cool, it was a large thunderstorm and then evening followed.
i love you.
my other related birth thoughts:
it was great having stella see you so quickly and having aunt lea explain that any noises were how a mommy pushes out a baby. the plan was to have them both there during labor and birth, but it was a little much. i thought maybe i'd be one of those quiet birthers, who gently passes their babe through the canal, but it's not in my DNA for this go around. your sister was happy and nearby the whole time and that was my hope and for that i'm grateful. i loved having all 4 of us together.
everyone on my birth team was exactly where i needed them that day. brenda stayed by my side almost the entirety of the day and i couldn't be more grateful for her presence and somehow knowing exactly what i needed. john felt comfortable. i could tell and that was nice. lea took care of my 3 y.o. baby. erica and marybeth chimed in and gave suggestions and breaks at the right times. i'm just full of gratitude to everyone of these people.
what's interesting to me, even as i type this, are the signs i had during pregnancy. for whatever reason, whenever i felt anxious during this pregnancy or asked my guardian angel for help or a "sign", the song, canon in D would come on. guess what song is on at this very moment?! Yep, Canon. not that i'm asking for a "sign" right now, but these things aren't coincidences. i also had visions of me giving birth on the stairs. lord knows why... i mean, the only time i would have to really think in the day is in the shower and for whatever reason when i would practice a healthy vision of me birthing ana, a lot of times it was on the stairs or near the stairs. weird, right? well guess where i had her? the dang stair landing ha! i even joked to people when they asked where i was going to have her... they'd ask "will you have her in water?" i just said i wasn't married to a particular place, just in my home "i don't even care if it's on the stairs!" john always says i'm more intuitive than i think and i've had visions/dreams be correct before so overall this is pretty cool. (and side note: it was a tough choice between 3 amazing midwives, but i even had a dream that one midwife said for me to hire brenda and even from the start, before i even met brenda i had this weird gut feeling that i should hire her. boom).
some people think i'm crazy or "gutsy" ... i'm not either of those. i didn't do this to be a hero. (i never understood why people call that anyway). i planned the birth that i felt was right for me. i would not be comfortable in a hospital unless i truly needed to go. and in that case, i would go. i don't think the people going to the hospital are gutsy, i'm just going to assume they are more comfortable there. but for me, if i'm a healthy pregnant woman receiving midwifery based care and a wonderful back up doctor, this is the choice that worked for me and even though my birth was still hard, it wasn't on a time clock, i could labor with my window open, i didn't have to see or hear machines or be pricked...all the things that make me uneasy.
i contacted my friend, melanie from beautiful beginnings to possibly take pics when i was in labor, but the plan was she would come if she could get twin coverage for her 3 month old twins... or if it was on a weekend. well, it was neither of these - wednesday daytime. she said she could come if the baby was at night and as much as i wanted her there, i didn't want to wait and labor that much longer so when ana came at 5:30 p.m. i was happy to be ctx free! all the people there took turns taking pics and i got enough of what i wanted especially since i'm not one of those glamorous birthers.
these pictures aren't any beautiful beginnings, but there's our story.
happy almost 1 week!
i started to question you being a boy again those last 3 weeks. your older sister kept insisting that baby brother was coming and he was in my belly. it made for an interesting last week and labor as i fully felt like even if you were going to be a girl, it'd be a surprise. i really didn't care what your parts were, i felt excited and nervous.
on the night before you were born your sister knew you were coming. all afternoon and evening she kept saying to daddy and i "i need a hug" or "i want a hug mommy." she mentioned that evening that she "didn't want to see baby sister." daddy and i insisted she sensed something coming very soon. that night she wanted an extra long hug and made me hug her through canon in D on pandora (which i have to say has been a 'sign' to me all pregnancy). stella proceeded to have me sleep with Minnie, her lovey as well.
between all of that and the amount of pressure on my bladder the last week or so i kept thinking there's no way i will make it another 2 weeks becoming "overdue" or whatever. i just didn't think my body could carry you much longer.
and i was right. and stella was right.
looking back on that tuesday afternoon, i went to the grocery store and might have had some mild, mild contractions through the store, but since it had been so pressure-filled lately i didn't really think anything of it and why get my hopes up...
before bed that night i joked to daddy about him giving me acupressure to get things started. we both sorta brushed it off as we were too tired and he said, this baby is going to come on it's own terms anyway and i agreed. little did i know that an hour later some ctxs would start stirring at around 1130 p.m. They kept coming, but i didn't time them. my midwife had told me to contact her the first ctx since she's an hour away and misses a lot of 2nd births, but also said if i can sleep through them certainly do so. since i was able to snooze in between and through them i didn't jump the gun. i may have peed 30 times that night since it seemed like after every couple of ctx i felt like my bladder may in fact explode. (of course i would go and not that much would actually come out. sweet).
somehow, daddy still got a decent amount of sleep as did stella. at 6:15 i texted my midwife, doula and sister saying i think the baby might come today - mild ctx all night, but haven't timed any. my midwife told me to time some so she has an idea of where i am. i timed about 5 and they were, unbeknownst to me, about 4-5 minutes a part. i was on the bedroom floor at this point on all 4's because it felt better than the bed (and getting in an out of the dang high bed being that pregnant is pretty much under the category of misery).
brenda, my midwife called and said "honey these are about 5 minutes a part, sounds like i should start heading down to you." i, again, worried i was jumping the gun and said i'm managing well so whatever you think. she told me to eat something while i had the energy and time some more. done and done - still 4-5 minutes a part and i told her to go ahead and head down to us.
i stayed upstairs pretty much just rested and labored through these mild, beginning ones for a couple hours. brenda, and her assistant (marybeth) were on the way and john was tending to stella until we needed to call my sister over to take on that role. brenda arrived around 930 a.m. and marybeth very shortly after. even though i was still worried i had called too early bc they had slowed some to 6-10 minutes a part it was such a relief to see them. brenda just brought calm and that's what i wanted even though i felt calm. the 3 of us talked between ctxs and i texted a few people and jacked around on social media to pass the time a little bit. i called my sister around 11 a.m. so john could become more involved if he wanted and stella was in great care all day from your aunt lea. it felt really good to not have to worry about your sister stella. i wanted her close, but i couldn't tend to her needs. when aunt lea came over i brought down a "treat" for stella to play with and that was the last time i went downstairs for 24 hours haha!
at one point i asked brenda if things were going "ok" ... i knew there was progression, but i still had this need for reassurance that things were progressing and i didn't call them too quick. brenda assured me that she doesn't care where i am because the ctxs are coming regularly and she and i can both see they are increasing in intensity too. she said she guessed 5-6 cm, but again, didn't care about a number at this point. that's all i needed and on i went...
things kept on pace for a while. the ctxs were getting more intense, but i still could, to my disbelief, talk through the breaks and manage them pretty okay during. i kept saying how different this labor was going than your sister's journey. (john likes to describe stella's labor and birth like this: he left for work at 7 a.m. and came back at 11 a.m. and i was incoherent. he kind of was right).
i was trying not to compare, but i was in awe of how things were going. our doula was coming around 1:30 p.m. and as soon as she walked in i hit transition. bam. it was around 2 p.m. and the ctxs were still ok, but the waves of nausea that started to surface maybe an hour before had erupted. i puked. it was terrible, but i knew it was a good sign. i had heard of people puking before transition and i puked with stella as well. i think i'm just one of those people that is really sensitive to hormone releases or something. i knew the ctx were going to be difficult, but this whole pregnancy i remembered how awful puking through ctx were. and, those small moments were awful, but erica (my doula) put my hair up, people holding bowls for me and gave me some mint essential oil... which really helped and that ended just like each ctx before.i didn't want to be touched or even much talk during the ctx at this point. each position was getting harder and my body was starting to tremble. my arms were tired of holding me and my legs were tired of standing or even kneeling on all 4's which was working for so long. all i wanted to do was lay on my belly, but yea, obviously that didn't happen. we switched me to side lying with my leg propped up a bit. the first couple in this new position were really sucky. i remember saying at some point "nothing feels good." and that's just how it was. ctx were really close and really hard and i was getting tired and hot and all that fun stuff.
my sounds were getting louder, but i don't know how people can not make noises in labor. i envy them, but seriously in order to these i had to make those low kind of moaning sounds in order to push that feeling away and out. i don't know if i voiced or just thought this, but at some points i wondered how much longer i was going to be able to do this and where did my breaks go? every movement was slow motion, but not all that time had passed. around 4:30 ish my water broke during a ctx or 2. i must have started pushing ctxs a little around this time too because my pants were off. it's like everyone just knew by the sounds of what to do and what was coming next. i remember brenda's facial expressions. it's like i knew she thought my ctxs were getting pushier by what her face said.
brenda had me feel the head. i did and you were right there so i knew you were close, but i didn't know how close. i had never felt the "pooping out a bowling ball" feeling or the ring of fire before with a previous forced forceps epidural so when i was feeling those sensations i was of course, hating them, but i knew they were good signs. i knew i was getting closer.
and that is what happened on the day you were born.
the weather seemed to follow the mood of my labor. it was light rain, it was beautiful and bright, it was cool, it was a large thunderstorm and then evening followed.
i love you.
my other related birth thoughts:
it was great having stella see you so quickly and having aunt lea explain that any noises were how a mommy pushes out a baby. the plan was to have them both there during labor and birth, but it was a little much. i thought maybe i'd be one of those quiet birthers, who gently passes their babe through the canal, but it's not in my DNA for this go around. your sister was happy and nearby the whole time and that was my hope and for that i'm grateful. i loved having all 4 of us together.
everyone on my birth team was exactly where i needed them that day. brenda stayed by my side almost the entirety of the day and i couldn't be more grateful for her presence and somehow knowing exactly what i needed. john felt comfortable. i could tell and that was nice. lea took care of my 3 y.o. baby. erica and marybeth chimed in and gave suggestions and breaks at the right times. i'm just full of gratitude to everyone of these people.
what's interesting to me, even as i type this, are the signs i had during pregnancy. for whatever reason, whenever i felt anxious during this pregnancy or asked my guardian angel for help or a "sign", the song, canon in D would come on. guess what song is on at this very moment?! Yep, Canon. not that i'm asking for a "sign" right now, but these things aren't coincidences. i also had visions of me giving birth on the stairs. lord knows why... i mean, the only time i would have to really think in the day is in the shower and for whatever reason when i would practice a healthy vision of me birthing ana, a lot of times it was on the stairs or near the stairs. weird, right? well guess where i had her? the dang stair landing ha! i even joked to people when they asked where i was going to have her... they'd ask "will you have her in water?" i just said i wasn't married to a particular place, just in my home "i don't even care if it's on the stairs!" john always says i'm more intuitive than i think and i've had visions/dreams be correct before so overall this is pretty cool. (and side note: it was a tough choice between 3 amazing midwives, but i even had a dream that one midwife said for me to hire brenda and even from the start, before i even met brenda i had this weird gut feeling that i should hire her. boom).
some people think i'm crazy or "gutsy" ... i'm not either of those. i didn't do this to be a hero. (i never understood why people call that anyway). i planned the birth that i felt was right for me. i would not be comfortable in a hospital unless i truly needed to go. and in that case, i would go. i don't think the people going to the hospital are gutsy, i'm just going to assume they are more comfortable there. but for me, if i'm a healthy pregnant woman receiving midwifery based care and a wonderful back up doctor, this is the choice that worked for me and even though my birth was still hard, it wasn't on a time clock, i could labor with my window open, i didn't have to see or hear machines or be pricked...all the things that make me uneasy.
i contacted my friend, melanie from beautiful beginnings to possibly take pics when i was in labor, but the plan was she would come if she could get twin coverage for her 3 month old twins... or if it was on a weekend. well, it was neither of these - wednesday daytime. she said she could come if the baby was at night and as much as i wanted her there, i didn't want to wait and labor that much longer so when ana came at 5:30 p.m. i was happy to be ctx free! all the people there took turns taking pics and i got enough of what i wanted especially since i'm not one of those glamorous birthers.
these pictures aren't any beautiful beginnings, but there's our story.
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