identity
it was 8 a.m. and john woke me up to see if i still wanted to jog. i did. it'd been about 4 months since i've used an alarm clock more than i could count on my hand and "sleeping in" wasn't the problem. stella sleeps until about 8-845 a.m. and ana after nursing sleeps until 845-930 a.m.
ironically it was the lack of setting an alarm that was somewhat of the problem. so, when john woke me up i was still groggy and tired in my mind, but when i walked out of my quiet house with all still in bed and hit the streets it felt amazing. the world was still asleep. most of the cars were still asleep. i remember this amazing feeling in new york when i would wake up early (for new yorkers) and head to central park for a jog. it was like the joggers against the world and quite the energizing feeling. it was my time to re-charge before taking on the hustle and noise of the city.
i didn't realize how much better i would feel after jogging without morning noise in and out of the house. it wasn't overly hot yet and i was alone and it was quiet. my mind could think. my mind could potentially write this blog bc it was thinking. uninterrupted.
i of course, by writing this, am taking a risk. everyone has ups and downs and if we can't talk about them, there is something wrong. some things are personal and some don't want to share, but if someone can relate to this i think it's helpful to share about all emotions. i'm human, we all are and the more we get in touch with our human-ness the more we can break the stigma of presenting only the perfect (ESP in the silly online presentation).
i went to see a psychic medium a few weeks ago. i've been before and i've always had a good experience and outcome. i wasn't sure why i wanted to go, but something deep within me kept prying at me to go. he's so spot on. i knew my reading would be a little funky bc he would be reading my energy. and, well, i've known that for a while my energy has been somewhat depleted. lost. or as he said "mildly depressed."
there is great guilt in not feeling like you have it all, when you have it all. or at least all you need physically. i have a good life, i love my family and adore my children, and things are moving in a positive direction for john's business. but, why do i feel so depleted? victor, the psychic, went on to tell me that i need to go out more and do things for me. there was a hole in the creative expression department. oh how true this is...
it's like i knew all of this and even knew i was carrying such negative energy around, but needed someone to force it out loud to move forward. he mentioned that sometimes in the cycle of melancholy it's hard to get out of it, but it's up to me to break the cycle. why can i see this so clearly for other people, but not for myself?
and it feels so wrong to be sad and alone when this is all i wanted. and it still is all i want, to raise my girls and be home with them. i like making healthy meals for my family. i enjoy spending time with my kids. i don't like doing laundry and cleaning, but i pride myself on attempting an organized house. (and good news is someday we can split the chores with the kids too!!)
i have no interest in working in an office or outside the home when they are this young. ZERO.
{i don't want this post to become a working mom VS sahm VS sahWm. frankly i don't care what you choose and we all have to make our own choices based on our unique circumstances}
after getting this out of my system and hitting the nail on the head with my current feelings, it was like an instant release. through becoming a sahm and somewhat sahWm i've never been happier and simultaneously isolated from my own identity. i'm so amazed at psychics and how they can read into things with such precision. victor said i need to renew that sense of creativity; i could sing, write, create... all things that i haven't been doing ... and things i miss ... things that i enjoy for me. they make up my personal identity outside of being a mother.
while no dead relatives directly showed up, i know they were there and speaking through him too. upon completion of my jog, i came across this fluffy white feather. DOH! i've already known about feathers and spirit guides being connected and recently came across an article or something about signs from our guides or deceased relatives; feathers, stones, coins, butterflies...).
it's funny the more alone i feel on the inside, the more i isolate from being around people. seems a little backwards doesn't it? whatever it is, i'm glad i can at least recognize it.
so why am i publicly writing about this? well, because.
*i miss writing. the last few blogs i've written were updates about my kids. while that is great, no one. family aside, really cares all that much about the latest milestone or whatever about my kids. there's a different kind of reflection when i don't write about my kids.
*i am human. maybe this will help someone else feel more human. or less guilty. or less alone.
*it's the first step to turning things around. naming it and owning it.
as soon as i left the session, i felt the energy rise off me. it was like magic, but it happened to be a lovely day and i was alone for a couple hours childless. i realized how much a little quiet time (alone) affects me positively. the past couple weeks have been more positive with stella and me too. she started school and is there 9-12p monday through friday. while i miss her, it's really helped our relationship. it's also been good for me to start a routine for household errands and sewing. i didn't realize how much i like a routine and ironically an alarm clock. the alone time jogging, walking or showering before the kids get up has shifted my day for the better. it was no wonder we've bickered so much when i'm giving off negativity. she's 3.5 so things will never be a cup of roses haha, but i'm capable of changing the mood with my mood... or at least trying.
i know what i have to do now, and here's to putting it into action!
keeping my own mental health positive has to be a priority in order to not lose that sense of self.
it's taken me 5 months, but i feel like i can have some semblance with routine and identity.
ironically it was the lack of setting an alarm that was somewhat of the problem. so, when john woke me up i was still groggy and tired in my mind, but when i walked out of my quiet house with all still in bed and hit the streets it felt amazing. the world was still asleep. most of the cars were still asleep. i remember this amazing feeling in new york when i would wake up early (for new yorkers) and head to central park for a jog. it was like the joggers against the world and quite the energizing feeling. it was my time to re-charge before taking on the hustle and noise of the city.
i didn't realize how much better i would feel after jogging without morning noise in and out of the house. it wasn't overly hot yet and i was alone and it was quiet. my mind could think. my mind could potentially write this blog bc it was thinking. uninterrupted.
i of course, by writing this, am taking a risk. everyone has ups and downs and if we can't talk about them, there is something wrong. some things are personal and some don't want to share, but if someone can relate to this i think it's helpful to share about all emotions. i'm human, we all are and the more we get in touch with our human-ness the more we can break the stigma of presenting only the perfect (ESP in the silly online presentation).
i went to see a psychic medium a few weeks ago. i've been before and i've always had a good experience and outcome. i wasn't sure why i wanted to go, but something deep within me kept prying at me to go. he's so spot on. i knew my reading would be a little funky bc he would be reading my energy. and, well, i've known that for a while my energy has been somewhat depleted. lost. or as he said "mildly depressed."
there is great guilt in not feeling like you have it all, when you have it all. or at least all you need physically. i have a good life, i love my family and adore my children, and things are moving in a positive direction for john's business. but, why do i feel so depleted? victor, the psychic, went on to tell me that i need to go out more and do things for me. there was a hole in the creative expression department. oh how true this is...
it's like i knew all of this and even knew i was carrying such negative energy around, but needed someone to force it out loud to move forward. he mentioned that sometimes in the cycle of melancholy it's hard to get out of it, but it's up to me to break the cycle. why can i see this so clearly for other people, but not for myself?
and it feels so wrong to be sad and alone when this is all i wanted. and it still is all i want, to raise my girls and be home with them. i like making healthy meals for my family. i enjoy spending time with my kids. i don't like doing laundry and cleaning, but i pride myself on attempting an organized house. (and good news is someday we can split the chores with the kids too!!)
i have no interest in working in an office or outside the home when they are this young. ZERO.
{i don't want this post to become a working mom VS sahm VS sahWm. frankly i don't care what you choose and we all have to make our own choices based on our unique circumstances}
after getting this out of my system and hitting the nail on the head with my current feelings, it was like an instant release. through becoming a sahm and somewhat sahWm i've never been happier and simultaneously isolated from my own identity. i'm so amazed at psychics and how they can read into things with such precision. victor said i need to renew that sense of creativity; i could sing, write, create... all things that i haven't been doing ... and things i miss ... things that i enjoy for me. they make up my personal identity outside of being a mother.
while no dead relatives directly showed up, i know they were there and speaking through him too. upon completion of my jog, i came across this fluffy white feather. DOH! i've already known about feathers and spirit guides being connected and recently came across an article or something about signs from our guides or deceased relatives; feathers, stones, coins, butterflies...).
it's funny the more alone i feel on the inside, the more i isolate from being around people. seems a little backwards doesn't it? whatever it is, i'm glad i can at least recognize it.
so why am i publicly writing about this? well, because.
*i miss writing. the last few blogs i've written were updates about my kids. while that is great, no one. family aside, really cares all that much about the latest milestone or whatever about my kids. there's a different kind of reflection when i don't write about my kids.
*i am human. maybe this will help someone else feel more human. or less guilty. or less alone.
*it's the first step to turning things around. naming it and owning it.
as soon as i left the session, i felt the energy rise off me. it was like magic, but it happened to be a lovely day and i was alone for a couple hours childless. i realized how much a little quiet time (alone) affects me positively. the past couple weeks have been more positive with stella and me too. she started school and is there 9-12p monday through friday. while i miss her, it's really helped our relationship. it's also been good for me to start a routine for household errands and sewing. i didn't realize how much i like a routine and ironically an alarm clock. the alone time jogging, walking or showering before the kids get up has shifted my day for the better. it was no wonder we've bickered so much when i'm giving off negativity. she's 3.5 so things will never be a cup of roses haha, but i'm capable of changing the mood with my mood... or at least trying.
i know what i have to do now, and here's to putting it into action!
keeping my own mental health positive has to be a priority in order to not lose that sense of self.
it's taken me 5 months, but i feel like i can have some semblance with routine and identity.
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