a peek into my mind.
I'm writing this for multiple reasons.
a) therapeutic
b) maybe someone can relate
c) keeping it real instead of social media transparency
d) people commented on my last post about my yelling sentence
So there. It might be a lot of territory to cover, but I'm going to lay it all out there for you. I TRY to keep my Instagram real life-ish, but it might look rosy to you. I do love sharing the rosy moments, BUT PLEASE know we have shit shows and shit storms here like most.
You see, right now I'm in a good spot. This doesn't mean that I don't bitch and whine. I still get annoyed when John leaves the dishes in the sink, just ask him. And it doesn't mean I don't get annoyed, by the girls... But, when I'm in the good spot I know have the likelihood of being less reactive and less harsh. (At least I have the awareness to try).
I've come to learn and come to terms that I go on these ups and downs. Most people do and know this, right? The thing I don't like about the good spots is that I'm not naive to the fact that there will be a rut again, those bad spots that will surface again. I truly try not to project on that, but I know it's there. If I'm being honest, my brain scans for the negative. I'm in the process of re-training it. I'm also in the process of re-training and working on a lot of things...
Like biting off more than I can chew maybe? ha, maybe?!
I'm not sure the exact timeline to my ups and downs, but even though there were many amazing moments and times in Summer, I have to admit, Summer was hard, lots of yelling, irritability, resentment... I don't even recall, but not a great spot. I don't really think I liked July. Sorry, July.
Hell, honestly reflecting back on it, maybe shaving my head felt so amazing because I so badly wanted to shed something and feel that.
Summer came and went. Stressors of being self-employed, moments of grief, adjusting to the new start and routine of the school year... things did improve... like they do, but negative energy still wallowed and noticed my feelings of ungratefulness and frustration with life and my kids. I know, it sounds irrational, but it's honest. I am so damn hard on myself. Again, it's the retraining of my brain and becoming aware of that demon of negative self talk. When I mention a peek into my mind, I'm talking about this:
"Way to go, Caren, you cut the melon too early and now it tastes like ass."
"If only I had a nicer kitchen with more counter space. That would make me happy."
"You are a terrible mom because you scream obscenities at your innocent children who sometimes drive you mad whom you love more than life itself."
Yes, a peek indeed...like these are real thoughts I've had. Like, seriously, I think more counter space will solve my problems. (It's sort of embarrassing writing that). Truthfully, would a nice kitchen bring me joy? Well, yes, but it will be fleeting. It might solve my counter space problem a little bit, but I'm still in charge of what I do with the thoughts that filter in my head. I will still have issues and ups and downs when we have a nicer kitchen. It is up to me to let the irrational, negative ego talk speak and then pass... I'm getting better at filtering it. I'm hoping it becomes a habit that I won't have to try so hard to practice this awareness.
As I write this, I have thoughts of: "You will post this and fuck up and yell at your girls tomorrow" and "Now that you write it you are jinxing yourself and will start your downward spiral...".
See. It's hard. But, I'm going to leave those thoughts right there and just call them bullshit. Do you hear me ego? I'm calling your bullshit!
So... yeah, the universe. That sneaky little universe.
I asked John to find me a therapist, but I found myself signed up for one of his therapist friend's mindfulness course. Honestly I didn't know what it was, but in essence learning mindfulness through meditation and yoga and the like. I'm about a month in and unknowingly I scheduled my long overdue cleanse starting October 1st. I kept waiting for the perfect time to do it, putting it off, unconsciously scared of the change I suppose, but FINALLY started it after my medicine woman cousin prescribed it for me. (Thanks sitalisa). So I opt into this 3 day cleanse of lemon juice, cayenne, chai seeds, water and maple syrup not really knowing what I was doing. I just made a bunch of mason jars and hit the start button. Luckily for me, I'm competitive even with myself so even though I was annoyed I was hungry, I kept at it.
More than just hunger though. I can deal with the hunger... It was like I re-learned about my relationship with food and coffee and wine. I realized how often I eat, how much I enjoy food, what I eat, munch on the kids food while I'm making it, how good food smells, how much I look forward to my coffee in the afternoon and how it tastes and gives me a high, learned about my enjoyment of sipping a glass of red vino while making dinner. I went through a period of missing these things. I know, weird... it felt weird to say "I enjoy the coffee experience", but I know I'm not alone in that. I like going into a coffee shop, having the barista make me a drink I know I will enjoy. There is nothing wrong with that, I just had to become aware of these things.
Because I didn't do any research 1/2 way through the cleanse I was like "f$%#" ... if I do this and go back to my old ways and routines right away what did I accomplish? I just spent 3 days fasting and cleansing my system only to re-fuel it with the same garbage I just let go of. Crap. Damnit Caren, why did you just realize that? But in true Caren competitor form I started seeking out what the hell I had to do. I randomly mentioned to a mom friend of Stella's that I was doing this cleanse. Turns out she did it years ago (thanks universe ha!) to which I had a wealth of info of what to cut and time lines to add and at least something to start with. So I did.
I overwhelmingly made a new diet for myself. 3-4 weeks without dairy, coffee, alcohol, gluten, 80% of fruits and pretty much anything with preservatives. Did I cheat while I was on vacation and my birthday? Yes. Travel was hard, but I did my best with my sleep deprived self from the kids sleep lapse in the time change with late night festivities. The interesting thing is that these cuts are slowly becoming habits. One of Stella's friends' moms is on par with clean eating and is a great resource (thanks universe!). I'm undecided on when or if certain foods will enter my life or if they will be rare occurrences. My birthday marked the start of week 4 and since I cheated I think I will extend most of this for as long as I can, but not kill myself. I feel better. Not miraculously, but eating good foods, real foods, makes me feel better. (If you want to know what I eat now I'll tell you).
I even sleep better. My self talk is cutting in right now saying "Way to go, A-hole, you will sleep like crap tonight because you just said you are sleeping better. Awesome."
I don't know if the improved sleeping is from one or all of these:
no to minimal coffee
no sugary coffee
no wine at night
taking magnesium daily
sleep inducing stretches before bed
doing the mindfulness program
telling my anxiety to F off... well really just letting it pass
But, hey! My months and months of chronic insomnia has improved and hopefully stays the majority of the time.
And mind you the weeks topics for the workshop have been:
BODY (randomly started a cleanse after that)
AWARENESS (how convenient to focus on being aware of what I can and cannot eat and aware of how that plays out in my life)
ACCEPTANCE (hmmm oh yea... more thanks universe! ... learning to accept that I'm choosing a new diet and accepting that I "can't" eat certain things... oh yea this is the week I swore off yelling... more on that in a minute... BUT accepting that I yelled at my kids. terribly. accepting that I can change that.) and oh, hi leading into
CHOICE (I can choose to change my diet. I can choose to cheat. I can choose to beat myself up if I break my no yelling policy. I can choose to accept it and move on. You get the idea...).
Can I get a shout out to the universe? I couldn't plan this if I tried.
Now back to Acceptance week.
So on September 29th, yes I remember the date, I lost it. I'm not talking about oh I yelled at the kids a little. I'm talking about I'm embarrassed about my behavior, who's the adult here, how could you say those terrible, hurtful things to children, mad woman screams kind of losing it. I know, terrible. I typed that out loud and I feel both ashamed and good that I might help another mom. But since I'm on acceptance, I'm going to leave it right there and not wallow.
I can't believe what I said or even why I acted that way. I wanted to know how I got there. I'm sure it was a multitude of things and perhaps Mommy yelling to get something done or attention sought out was their norm. If that's their norm, I don't want them to be normal!! And on went my quest for seeking a new normal!
About a week after of still feeling awful about it and trying to figure out what my problem is and trying to not dig my hole deeper of feeling like a sad excuse for a mom spiral, I googled.
I usually say "stay away from google", but that day I googled How To Stop Yelling At Your Kids. What a blessing. I found some books and sites and read paged through this and that. Ultimately I'm not really a book learner. I like books. I love them. Just, in all honesty, I've NEVER been the human that reads and retains what I've read. In true Caren competitor form I just swore it off. One of the sites was all about how she quit yelling for a year.
365 days.
Well, F#$%. If she can do it, I can.
It took a moment of reading through some of her work on I think it's called Orange Rhino if anyone is interested, I'll try to remember to link it properly, but I'm not really planning on anything going viral hahahaha. But there was a trigger worksheet. I did have my mom print them, but I've successfully given up yelling since 10/6/17. I know, it's only two weeks, but it feels SO DAMN GOOD NOT TO YELL. (Insert negative self talk telling me how I am going to F up and jinx it. Well NST, Go F yourself, okay?)
Maybe it comes as a surprise to you all that I have a short fuse, but I do. I know my social media bull shit pictures look pretty and loving. While they are pretty and loving a lot of the time, my life consists of me and my short fuse with many shortfalls. Some of these shortfalls happen to be triggers for yelling.
I'm not marking down my triggers, but I'm aware of them. (Thanks Awareness week).
For instance:
Whining
Tiredness
Fear of being late
Mess or disorder
Big Hunger
and sometimes just anxiety of the overwhelm
For me, just knowing these exist and relate to me helps.
My gospel choice teacher (Hi Dr. Cox, I doubt you'll read this hahaha) always said "I prayed for patience and the lord is testing me with it now!!")
It's kind of how day 2 went for me. I gave up yelling cold turkey and the VERY NEXT DAY Stella had the melt down of melt downs. I'm talking she moped around, screamed, cried, pushed, bit, I don't even know what ... all because the scarf wasn't going on the way she wanted it to and I didn't understand how or what she wanted me to do with it for it to look: "right".
Sigh.
Good Lord, talk about testing me...
BUT I didn't yell. It might have thrown her a curve ball too, but I kept calm, repeated myself a gazillion times, told her her throat was going to hurt from yelling, ignored her, thought mean thoughts about parenting, videotaped her, tried to remove myself, but she followed me. Eventually after what seemed like eternity, she stopped. The day went on and she did say her throat hurt. (Told her so).
It was indeed a good test though, because if I couldn't make it a day I think I would be pretty down on myself.
Ana decided to turn 2 1/2 on 10/8 and flex her tantrum muscles just in time for the swearing off of yelling. It's been fun, folks.
BUT, overall, seriously, it has. It is NOT easy, but not yelling is certainly a more FUN way to live. I'm a nicer human, mother. Isn't that the goal in life, to be a freaking nice human to myself and others?! I know, I'm not that far in, but I will make it and I will fail. And so it is and that is okay. I'm not talking that I don't raise my voice ever - sometimes I need to be stern and directive, but for me I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with the yelling. Whatever damage is done is done, but I'm here to keep going to 365 and beyond with a new style. (And I'm not just talking my hair!)
SO cheers to change. cheers to challenge. cheers to solidarity if this speaks to you. and cheers to the universe giving you what you need.
... if you listen.
a) therapeutic
b) maybe someone can relate
c) keeping it real instead of social media transparency
d) people commented on my last post about my yelling sentence
So there. It might be a lot of territory to cover, but I'm going to lay it all out there for you. I TRY to keep my Instagram real life-ish, but it might look rosy to you. I do love sharing the rosy moments, BUT PLEASE know we have shit shows and shit storms here like most.
You see, right now I'm in a good spot. This doesn't mean that I don't bitch and whine. I still get annoyed when John leaves the dishes in the sink, just ask him. And it doesn't mean I don't get annoyed, by the girls... But, when I'm in the good spot I know have the likelihood of being less reactive and less harsh. (At least I have the awareness to try).
I've come to learn and come to terms that I go on these ups and downs. Most people do and know this, right? The thing I don't like about the good spots is that I'm not naive to the fact that there will be a rut again, those bad spots that will surface again. I truly try not to project on that, but I know it's there. If I'm being honest, my brain scans for the negative. I'm in the process of re-training it. I'm also in the process of re-training and working on a lot of things...
Like biting off more than I can chew maybe? ha, maybe?!
I'm not sure the exact timeline to my ups and downs, but even though there were many amazing moments and times in Summer, I have to admit, Summer was hard, lots of yelling, irritability, resentment... I don't even recall, but not a great spot. I don't really think I liked July. Sorry, July.
Hell, honestly reflecting back on it, maybe shaving my head felt so amazing because I so badly wanted to shed something and feel that.
Summer came and went. Stressors of being self-employed, moments of grief, adjusting to the new start and routine of the school year... things did improve... like they do, but negative energy still wallowed and noticed my feelings of ungratefulness and frustration with life and my kids. I know, it sounds irrational, but it's honest. I am so damn hard on myself. Again, it's the retraining of my brain and becoming aware of that demon of negative self talk. When I mention a peek into my mind, I'm talking about this:
"Way to go, Caren, you cut the melon too early and now it tastes like ass."
"If only I had a nicer kitchen with more counter space. That would make me happy."
"You are a terrible mom because you scream obscenities at your innocent children who sometimes drive you mad whom you love more than life itself."
Yes, a peek indeed...like these are real thoughts I've had. Like, seriously, I think more counter space will solve my problems. (It's sort of embarrassing writing that). Truthfully, would a nice kitchen bring me joy? Well, yes, but it will be fleeting. It might solve my counter space problem a little bit, but I'm still in charge of what I do with the thoughts that filter in my head. I will still have issues and ups and downs when we have a nicer kitchen. It is up to me to let the irrational, negative ego talk speak and then pass... I'm getting better at filtering it. I'm hoping it becomes a habit that I won't have to try so hard to practice this awareness.
As I write this, I have thoughts of: "You will post this and fuck up and yell at your girls tomorrow" and "Now that you write it you are jinxing yourself and will start your downward spiral...".
See. It's hard. But, I'm going to leave those thoughts right there and just call them bullshit. Do you hear me ego? I'm calling your bullshit!
So... yeah, the universe. That sneaky little universe.
I asked John to find me a therapist, but I found myself signed up for one of his therapist friend's mindfulness course. Honestly I didn't know what it was, but in essence learning mindfulness through meditation and yoga and the like. I'm about a month in and unknowingly I scheduled my long overdue cleanse starting October 1st. I kept waiting for the perfect time to do it, putting it off, unconsciously scared of the change I suppose, but FINALLY started it after my medicine woman cousin prescribed it for me. (Thanks sitalisa). So I opt into this 3 day cleanse of lemon juice, cayenne, chai seeds, water and maple syrup not really knowing what I was doing. I just made a bunch of mason jars and hit the start button. Luckily for me, I'm competitive even with myself so even though I was annoyed I was hungry, I kept at it.
More than just hunger though. I can deal with the hunger... It was like I re-learned about my relationship with food and coffee and wine. I realized how often I eat, how much I enjoy food, what I eat, munch on the kids food while I'm making it, how good food smells, how much I look forward to my coffee in the afternoon and how it tastes and gives me a high, learned about my enjoyment of sipping a glass of red vino while making dinner. I went through a period of missing these things. I know, weird... it felt weird to say "I enjoy the coffee experience", but I know I'm not alone in that. I like going into a coffee shop, having the barista make me a drink I know I will enjoy. There is nothing wrong with that, I just had to become aware of these things.
Because I didn't do any research 1/2 way through the cleanse I was like "f$%#" ... if I do this and go back to my old ways and routines right away what did I accomplish? I just spent 3 days fasting and cleansing my system only to re-fuel it with the same garbage I just let go of. Crap. Damnit Caren, why did you just realize that? But in true Caren competitor form I started seeking out what the hell I had to do. I randomly mentioned to a mom friend of Stella's that I was doing this cleanse. Turns out she did it years ago (thanks universe ha!) to which I had a wealth of info of what to cut and time lines to add and at least something to start with. So I did.
I overwhelmingly made a new diet for myself. 3-4 weeks without dairy, coffee, alcohol, gluten, 80% of fruits and pretty much anything with preservatives. Did I cheat while I was on vacation and my birthday? Yes. Travel was hard, but I did my best with my sleep deprived self from the kids sleep lapse in the time change with late night festivities. The interesting thing is that these cuts are slowly becoming habits. One of Stella's friends' moms is on par with clean eating and is a great resource (thanks universe!). I'm undecided on when or if certain foods will enter my life or if they will be rare occurrences. My birthday marked the start of week 4 and since I cheated I think I will extend most of this for as long as I can, but not kill myself. I feel better. Not miraculously, but eating good foods, real foods, makes me feel better. (If you want to know what I eat now I'll tell you).
I even sleep better. My self talk is cutting in right now saying "Way to go, A-hole, you will sleep like crap tonight because you just said you are sleeping better. Awesome."
I don't know if the improved sleeping is from one or all of these:
no to minimal coffee
no sugary coffee
no wine at night
taking magnesium daily
sleep inducing stretches before bed
doing the mindfulness program
telling my anxiety to F off... well really just letting it pass
But, hey! My months and months of chronic insomnia has improved and hopefully stays the majority of the time.
And mind you the weeks topics for the workshop have been:
BODY (randomly started a cleanse after that)
AWARENESS (how convenient to focus on being aware of what I can and cannot eat and aware of how that plays out in my life)
ACCEPTANCE (hmmm oh yea... more thanks universe! ... learning to accept that I'm choosing a new diet and accepting that I "can't" eat certain things... oh yea this is the week I swore off yelling... more on that in a minute... BUT accepting that I yelled at my kids. terribly. accepting that I can change that.) and oh, hi leading into
CHOICE (I can choose to change my diet. I can choose to cheat. I can choose to beat myself up if I break my no yelling policy. I can choose to accept it and move on. You get the idea...).
Can I get a shout out to the universe? I couldn't plan this if I tried.
Now back to Acceptance week.
So on September 29th, yes I remember the date, I lost it. I'm not talking about oh I yelled at the kids a little. I'm talking about I'm embarrassed about my behavior, who's the adult here, how could you say those terrible, hurtful things to children, mad woman screams kind of losing it. I know, terrible. I typed that out loud and I feel both ashamed and good that I might help another mom. But since I'm on acceptance, I'm going to leave it right there and not wallow.
I can't believe what I said or even why I acted that way. I wanted to know how I got there. I'm sure it was a multitude of things and perhaps Mommy yelling to get something done or attention sought out was their norm. If that's their norm, I don't want them to be normal!! And on went my quest for seeking a new normal!
About a week after of still feeling awful about it and trying to figure out what my problem is and trying to not dig my hole deeper of feeling like a sad excuse for a mom spiral, I googled.
I usually say "stay away from google", but that day I googled How To Stop Yelling At Your Kids. What a blessing. I found some books and sites and read paged through this and that. Ultimately I'm not really a book learner. I like books. I love them. Just, in all honesty, I've NEVER been the human that reads and retains what I've read. In true Caren competitor form I just swore it off. One of the sites was all about how she quit yelling for a year.
365 days.
Well, F#$%. If she can do it, I can.
It took a moment of reading through some of her work on I think it's called Orange Rhino if anyone is interested, I'll try to remember to link it properly, but I'm not really planning on anything going viral hahahaha. But there was a trigger worksheet. I did have my mom print them, but I've successfully given up yelling since 10/6/17. I know, it's only two weeks, but it feels SO DAMN GOOD NOT TO YELL. (Insert negative self talk telling me how I am going to F up and jinx it. Well NST, Go F yourself, okay?)
Maybe it comes as a surprise to you all that I have a short fuse, but I do. I know my social media bull shit pictures look pretty and loving. While they are pretty and loving a lot of the time, my life consists of me and my short fuse with many shortfalls. Some of these shortfalls happen to be triggers for yelling.
I'm not marking down my triggers, but I'm aware of them. (Thanks Awareness week).
For instance:
Whining
Tiredness
Fear of being late
Mess or disorder
Big Hunger
and sometimes just anxiety of the overwhelm
For me, just knowing these exist and relate to me helps.
My gospel choice teacher (Hi Dr. Cox, I doubt you'll read this hahaha) always said "I prayed for patience and the lord is testing me with it now!!")
It's kind of how day 2 went for me. I gave up yelling cold turkey and the VERY NEXT DAY Stella had the melt down of melt downs. I'm talking she moped around, screamed, cried, pushed, bit, I don't even know what ... all because the scarf wasn't going on the way she wanted it to and I didn't understand how or what she wanted me to do with it for it to look: "right".
Sigh.
Good Lord, talk about testing me...
BUT I didn't yell. It might have thrown her a curve ball too, but I kept calm, repeated myself a gazillion times, told her her throat was going to hurt from yelling, ignored her, thought mean thoughts about parenting, videotaped her, tried to remove myself, but she followed me. Eventually after what seemed like eternity, she stopped. The day went on and she did say her throat hurt. (Told her so).
It was indeed a good test though, because if I couldn't make it a day I think I would be pretty down on myself.
Ana decided to turn 2 1/2 on 10/8 and flex her tantrum muscles just in time for the swearing off of yelling. It's been fun, folks.
BUT, overall, seriously, it has. It is NOT easy, but not yelling is certainly a more FUN way to live. I'm a nicer human, mother. Isn't that the goal in life, to be a freaking nice human to myself and others?! I know, I'm not that far in, but I will make it and I will fail. And so it is and that is okay. I'm not talking that I don't raise my voice ever - sometimes I need to be stern and directive, but for me I'm okay with that. I'm not okay with the yelling. Whatever damage is done is done, but I'm here to keep going to 365 and beyond with a new style. (And I'm not just talking my hair!)
SO cheers to change. cheers to challenge. cheers to solidarity if this speaks to you. and cheers to the universe giving you what you need.
... if you listen.
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