on being a "yes" person
Raise your hand if you say yes on the frequent.
My Lord.
It can be a curse.
It's not even all people pleasing. Sure, some of it is, but I like being able to do things, to help, to make things happen. It has taken a lot of work, but a vast improvement in this department. As I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, I'm startled with the fact that I feel so busy even without the stamp of a "real job". There's a little shame in that game too, folks. How in the living hell am I this busy when I don't even have a paying job? What am I doing? How is it of value?
I'm quite sure that there's a yes and no to this. Recently, I went on a date with my hubs and we ended up at a bookstore. I mustered over to the self help sector with him because we are awesome like that. In my hand I drooled over an astrology book and read how Scorpios are confusing. "Well, damn" I thought to myself "that explains a lot!" I constantly feel like I want to do everything and nothing simultaneously. I want to take on all the tasks of the world, community, school, personally, family... all of it, but my introverted tendencies make me want to hide in a haven and read and write in solace.
So, when I ask myself is there value to what I am doing? Well shit, yes indeed there is, but is it the value I'm meant to bring into the world? Please excuse me while I vacillate from interest to interest. The good news is that I have an awareness now. The bad news is that I'm still learning to say no in order to make space for what needs to come through. Or maybe it's unfair to call it bad news since I am indeed learning.
For example this past month I had the opportunity to say yes to 4 things and so far I've waited, observed my plate and said no to 3. To paint a picture:
I'm chairing my children's school Gala with a small group of parents. I purposely didn't sign up as a room parent as I knew it was my first time balancing volunteer hours with both kids in the school and I wanted to test my time and energy. An email went out that one of the room parents lost their parent suddenly and was asking for help. Normally I would have replied OMG of course I will step in and help, but I waited. I felt terrible for this loss. I wouldn't be in a space to help with a Gala task after suddenly losing my father however it didn't have to be me that instantly said yes. I waited for 7-10 days or so somewhat unintentionally because I hadn't been back on the computer to reply. And when I replied someone had already stepped in allowing my cupeth to not runneth over.
My oldest gal is playing soccer this year. She's waaaaay excited. I hope she's as excited at the end of the season too! They needed an assistant coach. I asked Stella about it and she loved the idea of me coaching, however when I paused, I felt more stress in my body than excitement. Sure there was a feeling of excitement, but more of the dependency that I would be needed for another task. My sister asked if I would do it too - not in a pushy way, but in a you-played-soccer-you-are-pretty-good-with-little-people kind of way. Ironically I DO NOT think I am good at teaching even though they said only enthusiasm is required. But, I waited. I wasn't opposed to doing it and like I mentioned there was so excitement to rallying up a group of girls to have fun and use their bodies in a positive team-oriented way, but I didn't have the urge to commit. I waited on this a couple weeks as well. I finally contacted the coach and said I would co-assist with my BIL if needed. Low and behold folks, waiting is a magical thing; someone had already stepped up and agreed to assist! So I'm assisting the assistant if needed as an extra pair of hands!
My Great Uncle died suddenly. He was 91... or gosh, now that I think about it I think he was 92. (Please note that I'm terrible with remembering my own age let alone my Great Uncle!) But, needless to say he lived a long, full life and thankful for him that he can party in heaven with an Italian feast with all our other family. Well deserved run, Uncle! He lived independently the whole time and always had a smile on his face. When it came time to plan the funeral, we knew it would be small and quick being there weren't many family and friends that outlived him. My dad asked me to sing... initially the Ave Maria, but it seemed like it made more sense to sing the whole mass. I don't particularly like singing funerals, because well, it's hard. It's hard to grieve. But I did know it didn't make sense to hire a vocalist, when I was already there and I've bucked up and sung at funerals before for grandparents, family friends and even a friend's sibling. I knew I could do it and I knew it was time sensitive. I said yes. It turned out to be a nice send off and my daughters, for the first time were impressed with their Mommy singing. That was a little sweet bonus. Salute, Uncle Rudy!
April is a nutty month. It has been for the last 10 years. My youngest has a birthday. My niece has a birthday. My grandpa (rocking out at the ripe age of almost 91) has a birthday. There's Easter. Sometimes there's Spring Break. There is the school Gala. And this year there is soccer practises and games. ...and there is of course the ins and outs of daily life...
My sister and I attempt to coordinate our daughter's bdays early and try not to conflict with anything. She asked if her second daughter could spend the night the day before the Gala. I read the text and I thought. I listened to what I was feeling in my body. Did it make me feel stressed? Excited? Tense? Anxious? It's not that I don't want said niece to spend the night, but after waiting I knew I felt more angst about getting poor sleep the day before set up, a soccer game, getting the kids to sitter and then being alive for the event and enjoying it). I should also mention, my youngest has her birthday party the day after that as well. I Kindly told her I could not swing anything else that weekend, but the next weekend would be better. Turns out she didn't hate me and made it work.
So while there's still a tinge of me that feels bad for not stepping up, that's on me. That's my choice to sit in that. On that same token, I learned that by waiting someone else is capable and willing to step in as well. It is still hard for me to say no when I truly like the activity. I LOVE helping at the school. I LOVE planning fun things for the girls to do at sleep overs. I LOVE getting people pumped up. I LOVE being there for my girls' and their activities. I LOVE planning something special for the family.
THE. LIST. GOES. ON.
The question is, does that leave me any down time to say yes to me or to me + my hubby or my friends? The answer, at least for this ambivert is no, not much. I can schedule myself thin in events, activities and gatherings, but it takes away from me reaching my "when I grow up" potential. It's going to be a process, but my tank is NEVER full when I'm solely a "yes" person. I don't want to resent activities and waiting allows me this freedom of choice. So for all those that raised your hand at the beginning, maybe we can try to be "Waiting" people. How are you trying to listen to your inner voice? Is there anything you do to keep a healthy pace?
My Lord.
It can be a curse.
It's not even all people pleasing. Sure, some of it is, but I like being able to do things, to help, to make things happen. It has taken a lot of work, but a vast improvement in this department. As I'm trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, I'm startled with the fact that I feel so busy even without the stamp of a "real job". There's a little shame in that game too, folks. How in the living hell am I this busy when I don't even have a paying job? What am I doing? How is it of value?
I'm quite sure that there's a yes and no to this. Recently, I went on a date with my hubs and we ended up at a bookstore. I mustered over to the self help sector with him because we are awesome like that. In my hand I drooled over an astrology book and read how Scorpios are confusing. "Well, damn" I thought to myself "that explains a lot!" I constantly feel like I want to do everything and nothing simultaneously. I want to take on all the tasks of the world, community, school, personally, family... all of it, but my introverted tendencies make me want to hide in a haven and read and write in solace.
So, when I ask myself is there value to what I am doing? Well shit, yes indeed there is, but is it the value I'm meant to bring into the world? Please excuse me while I vacillate from interest to interest. The good news is that I have an awareness now. The bad news is that I'm still learning to say no in order to make space for what needs to come through. Or maybe it's unfair to call it bad news since I am indeed learning.
For example this past month I had the opportunity to say yes to 4 things and so far I've waited, observed my plate and said no to 3. To paint a picture:
I'm chairing my children's school Gala with a small group of parents. I purposely didn't sign up as a room parent as I knew it was my first time balancing volunteer hours with both kids in the school and I wanted to test my time and energy. An email went out that one of the room parents lost their parent suddenly and was asking for help. Normally I would have replied OMG of course I will step in and help, but I waited. I felt terrible for this loss. I wouldn't be in a space to help with a Gala task after suddenly losing my father however it didn't have to be me that instantly said yes. I waited for 7-10 days or so somewhat unintentionally because I hadn't been back on the computer to reply. And when I replied someone had already stepped in allowing my cupeth to not runneth over.
My oldest gal is playing soccer this year. She's waaaaay excited. I hope she's as excited at the end of the season too! They needed an assistant coach. I asked Stella about it and she loved the idea of me coaching, however when I paused, I felt more stress in my body than excitement. Sure there was a feeling of excitement, but more of the dependency that I would be needed for another task. My sister asked if I would do it too - not in a pushy way, but in a you-played-soccer-you-are-pretty-good-with-little-people kind of way. Ironically I DO NOT think I am good at teaching even though they said only enthusiasm is required. But, I waited. I wasn't opposed to doing it and like I mentioned there was so excitement to rallying up a group of girls to have fun and use their bodies in a positive team-oriented way, but I didn't have the urge to commit. I waited on this a couple weeks as well. I finally contacted the coach and said I would co-assist with my BIL if needed. Low and behold folks, waiting is a magical thing; someone had already stepped up and agreed to assist! So I'm assisting the assistant if needed as an extra pair of hands!
My Great Uncle died suddenly. He was 91... or gosh, now that I think about it I think he was 92. (Please note that I'm terrible with remembering my own age let alone my Great Uncle!) But, needless to say he lived a long, full life and thankful for him that he can party in heaven with an Italian feast with all our other family. Well deserved run, Uncle! He lived independently the whole time and always had a smile on his face. When it came time to plan the funeral, we knew it would be small and quick being there weren't many family and friends that outlived him. My dad asked me to sing... initially the Ave Maria, but it seemed like it made more sense to sing the whole mass. I don't particularly like singing funerals, because well, it's hard. It's hard to grieve. But I did know it didn't make sense to hire a vocalist, when I was already there and I've bucked up and sung at funerals before for grandparents, family friends and even a friend's sibling. I knew I could do it and I knew it was time sensitive. I said yes. It turned out to be a nice send off and my daughters, for the first time were impressed with their Mommy singing. That was a little sweet bonus. Salute, Uncle Rudy!
April is a nutty month. It has been for the last 10 years. My youngest has a birthday. My niece has a birthday. My grandpa (rocking out at the ripe age of almost 91) has a birthday. There's Easter. Sometimes there's Spring Break. There is the school Gala. And this year there is soccer practises and games. ...and there is of course the ins and outs of daily life...
My sister and I attempt to coordinate our daughter's bdays early and try not to conflict with anything. She asked if her second daughter could spend the night the day before the Gala. I read the text and I thought. I listened to what I was feeling in my body. Did it make me feel stressed? Excited? Tense? Anxious? It's not that I don't want said niece to spend the night, but after waiting I knew I felt more angst about getting poor sleep the day before set up, a soccer game, getting the kids to sitter and then being alive for the event and enjoying it). I should also mention, my youngest has her birthday party the day after that as well. I Kindly told her I could not swing anything else that weekend, but the next weekend would be better. Turns out she didn't hate me and made it work.
So while there's still a tinge of me that feels bad for not stepping up, that's on me. That's my choice to sit in that. On that same token, I learned that by waiting someone else is capable and willing to step in as well. It is still hard for me to say no when I truly like the activity. I LOVE helping at the school. I LOVE planning fun things for the girls to do at sleep overs. I LOVE getting people pumped up. I LOVE being there for my girls' and their activities. I LOVE planning something special for the family.
THE. LIST. GOES. ON.
The question is, does that leave me any down time to say yes to me or to me + my hubby or my friends? The answer, at least for this ambivert is no, not much. I can schedule myself thin in events, activities and gatherings, but it takes away from me reaching my "when I grow up" potential. It's going to be a process, but my tank is NEVER full when I'm solely a "yes" person. I don't want to resent activities and waiting allows me this freedom of choice. So for all those that raised your hand at the beginning, maybe we can try to be "Waiting" people. How are you trying to listen to your inner voice? Is there anything you do to keep a healthy pace?
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