It’s only a question.
A few weeks ago I took my daughters and nieces to a street party. It was our neighborhood race celebration complete with free food, music, beer, coffee, vendors and crisp air. The kids meandered from tent to activity to coffee shop to curb.
I came across a vendor I recognized via facebook. (Apparently facebook marketing does work, people)! This business moved to our area recently and I was so excited! I am a sucker for small businesses, but coupled with women helping women businesses well that's a shoe in for me haha! All kidding aside, I enjoyed her posts as they were tied to health, mind body connection and physical wellness; all of which I have a shared passion.
Approaching the booth I proceeded to tell her how much I enjoyed the posts and align with her mission. We had a casual back and forth. She was gracious to my compliments, but then she asked the question.
"What do you do?"
By all means this was not meant to minimize me. She genuinely was asking what I did. My reply? Well, my reply was unfortunate. Even though as a stay at home parent I've been asked this before, for some reason this time I felt it in the pit of my core. I felt shame. My reply was simply "Nothing." I ended up joking it off and told her I'm navigating and assessing all my options. Both were true, but I felt embarrassed that I didn't have a career or hustle I could currently speak to. It has been a year since I actively pursued my sewing business- I don't feel a strong pulse towards this as a vocation. I hobby, yes, but not something that constitutes an answer to "What do you do?"
Almost two weeks have passed and I haven't let this conversation go. Why did it feel so shameful to not have an answer? And why did my answer bring on other shame? I hear my inner critic talking "Oh how nice, you get to stay home and have the privilege to NAVIGATE! Oh, it must be nice." But is it my fault that I have this blessing and a supportive, entrepreneurial husband who encourages said navigation? No. And, in fact he promotes finding something you love, taking calculated risks and not settling for fear-based roboticism.
But.
What do you do?
When someone asks me that question and reply I stay home with my girls, I feel less than. The thing is, I don't think less of other moms and dads that stay home with their children, so why am I laying in this puddle of shame being the primary person right now? I know how deeply difficult and maddening it can be. For whatever reason the hardest and sometimes the most taxing day to day job I have undervalued.
I empathize with working parents as I have done a myriad of scenarios (35 hours, 30 hours, 20 hours, 15 hours, with and without a small business and straight up staying home parenting). They are all hard and important. So to parents out there discounting their value because they stay home- don't. We need all kinds of variety. When someone does all of the things I do and has another title does not mean this person does them better or is better; simply their circle does it differently. Their rhythm is different.
So, what DO I do?
I contribute.
I run things.
I clean things.
I cook things.
I fix things.
I plan things.
I write things.
I manage the paper and email madness.
I keep people and plants alive.
I intentionally work on myself.
I love my husband and children.
I make my health and body a priority.
I track activities and baths.
And because I can.
I work on mindfulness and grace. I fail at both, but for that I deserve said grace.
What do you do?
I want to answer something deep and purposeful.
I came across a vendor I recognized via facebook. (Apparently facebook marketing does work, people)! This business moved to our area recently and I was so excited! I am a sucker for small businesses, but coupled with women helping women businesses well that's a shoe in for me haha! All kidding aside, I enjoyed her posts as they were tied to health, mind body connection and physical wellness; all of which I have a shared passion.
Approaching the booth I proceeded to tell her how much I enjoyed the posts and align with her mission. We had a casual back and forth. She was gracious to my compliments, but then she asked the question.
"What do you do?"
By all means this was not meant to minimize me. She genuinely was asking what I did. My reply? Well, my reply was unfortunate. Even though as a stay at home parent I've been asked this before, for some reason this time I felt it in the pit of my core. I felt shame. My reply was simply "Nothing." I ended up joking it off and told her I'm navigating and assessing all my options. Both were true, but I felt embarrassed that I didn't have a career or hustle I could currently speak to. It has been a year since I actively pursued my sewing business- I don't feel a strong pulse towards this as a vocation. I hobby, yes, but not something that constitutes an answer to "What do you do?"
Almost two weeks have passed and I haven't let this conversation go. Why did it feel so shameful to not have an answer? And why did my answer bring on other shame? I hear my inner critic talking "Oh how nice, you get to stay home and have the privilege to NAVIGATE! Oh, it must be nice." But is it my fault that I have this blessing and a supportive, entrepreneurial husband who encourages said navigation? No. And, in fact he promotes finding something you love, taking calculated risks and not settling for fear-based roboticism.
But.
What do you do?
When someone asks me that question and reply I stay home with my girls, I feel less than. The thing is, I don't think less of other moms and dads that stay home with their children, so why am I laying in this puddle of shame being the primary person right now? I know how deeply difficult and maddening it can be. For whatever reason the hardest and sometimes the most taxing day to day job I have undervalued.
I empathize with working parents as I have done a myriad of scenarios (35 hours, 30 hours, 20 hours, 15 hours, with and without a small business and straight up staying home parenting). They are all hard and important. So to parents out there discounting their value because they stay home- don't. We need all kinds of variety. When someone does all of the things I do and has another title does not mean this person does them better or is better; simply their circle does it differently. Their rhythm is different.
So, what DO I do?
I contribute.
I run things.
I clean things.
I cook things.
I fix things.
I plan things.
I write things.
I manage the paper and email madness.
I keep people and plants alive.
I intentionally work on myself.
I love my husband and children.
I make my health and body a priority.
I track activities and baths.
I try my best to be caring friend.
I make it my quest to be more fun and present.
I volunteer at the school-- not out of guilt, because I genuinely love their school & teachers.And because I can.
I work on mindfulness and grace. I fail at both, but for that I deserve said grace.
What do you do?
I want to answer something deep and purposeful.
I want to be a "difference maker" or "world changer."
And when they are little, isn't that what a Mommy is?
There will come a time, very soon, when I add an occupation title, but for now let's embrace.
I'm now officially adding my letters:
Mommy, CDM
Chief Difference Maker
You should too.
Whatever you do, add those.
You aren't less than for being with them and you aren't less than for being elsewhere.
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