Gifts of the flu

There were moments while our bodies felt shut down, Stell and I would look at each other as if it was a secret code. We both knew what we were feeling and it was a commiseration we shared. I would reassure her about the IMPERMANENCE of the situation. "This won't last forever, you know that right? We will get better!" She nodded. We shared how much it sucked, rested, snuggled and pressed onward. When you are a caregiver there is not out of bounce; they want your lap, they get your lap.

I have a WORTHINESS problem. You see, I know I have it so that's something, right?! Accepting help isn't my strongest trait, but I am leaning into that and with the flu it's a matter of necessity. My friend offered to bring my favorite drink from the juicery we frequent. My husband was home and I felt the pangs of guilt that he could get it for me if I really wanted or needed it. I knew she was passing by and she said she was going to stop anyway, but it was initially still hard to say yes. I had to thank her for allowing me to say yes, I am worthy of wanting this drink and accepting the fact that you are bringing it to me.

When you are sick, there's no other better lesson than PATIENCE. It's forced upon you like super glue; there is no other option than to wait for it to peel off on it's own or you will bleed.  
YOU CANNOT RUSH YOUR BODY TO HEALTH.

...which leads me to GRATITUDE. Countless times we talked about our thankfulness that we aren't chronically ill and we can do hard things (even if those hard things involved laying on the floor not moving until the chills pass again and again). I was grateful we did not get hit last year when John and I were in Hawaii and the girls were under grandparent care. Not that they would not handle it, but knowing their misery across the globe sounded unbearable and I would have had a terrible time enjoying myself.

The TRIBE. I have an immense gratitude to my village. Sometimes I forget I have one, but when you ask, you might be surprised when you allow yourself that worthiness to be given help. The amount of people that checked in, picked up my child from school, brought groceries, drinks, dinner and the countless offers, the well wishes were many! Thank you, tribe, thank you.

There were moments of SELF PITY and HELPLESSNESS. The dramatic and irrational "why me's" filter in. At one point my youngest pounced on me and landed directly on my gut. To paint a picture- if there were any sort of growing human life in there it would have died- that's how vulnerable the area was when she landed.

It was a literal punch of the gut. For a moment I could not breath, and when the breath returned it came back with the raw emotion of tears. I curled up under my blanket and cried; not from the pain, but the the vibration that went straight up to my emotions. The helplessness was heavy and my mind and body were weary. I was detoxing germs and detoxing overwhelm and sadness.

And when we thought we saw the light return after over a week on the carpet, my youngest puked.
Instead of mindfully recognizing the FEAR that arose in my body, I instead resisted the turbulent wave and entered in to reactivity on the wrong person which completely backfired. After some deep breaths, apologies and sleep I was able to regain stillness.

Once I found the stillness, my mind and body only chose SURRENDER. It was all I had left. There was a lot of sitting next to another sick baby; staring and breathing attempting to invite in GRACE and FORGIVENESS.

I am not unique to this situation.
Many caregivers have been down this path, especially recently.

Did you find a hidden lesson when you were ill? What did you let go of? What surfaced? What did you learn about yourself?